Chapter 5.19: Making a choice

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From Cassy's diary

So I finally got to see what was in his mind. I immediately realized why he was struggling so much in explaining his story to me, there were so many confusing thoughts to unpack... I had no idea that moving from Sixam to the Earth had been so much destabilizing for him, way more than I had ever remotely suspected.

The memories about his life on Sixam I was able to glimpse in his mind were so hard to interpret, everything seemed so different and incomprehensible… But the one detail that immediately stuck with me was how frighteningly demanding and rigorous the original Sixamians were. Sixam's native language did not include any words to describe emotions, and from an early age Toq and his people had only been able to follow orders and suppress any other thought. They had no families, friends, or hobbies, just tasks to complete within the given time to the best of their ability.

Upon their arrival on Earth, they were then given a house and a job, and everyone expected them to deal on their own with a system that was completely alien and incomprehensible to them. The transition was traumatic for them, I think this is the best definition I can find to describe what I sensed from him.

Back then I just expected him to be a bit disoriented by his new life, but I was also convinced that he was doing quite well regardless. I was completely clueless about the psychological distress he was experiencing, and even more I ignored how this distress could also affect the integrity of his brain. I mean, that mental overload stuff looks scary, why didn't he tell me anything about it before?

Toq: (confused) Your technique is actually a bit... rough. 

It took me a while to navigate through that amount of information, and even more so for elaborating on it.

I think now I understand better why Toq behaved the way he did, he came from such a different mindset from ours... And, from his thoughts, I also got confirmation that he really cared about me, albeit in a pretty peculiar way. All this can only make me feel a little bit better.

However, I just can't just forgive him either. After all, all over these years he never took the initiative and found the courage to come back to Sirio and me. If it hadn't been for Venus and Steve who met him by chance we probably wouldn't even be here now. While I now understand that he didn't do what he did out of malice or indifference, I certainly can't overlook the way his actions and his choices did hurt us. I just can't think of trusting him again right away, pretending like nothing ever happened. 

But I don't want him to disappear completely from our lives again either, not now that I'm starting to understand something more about what happened. What should I do?

Cassy: (a bit unsure) ... I think Sirio was pleased to meet you. His birthday is in a few weeks, you could show up too. If you want to, I mean.

Toq: (taken aback) Oh. All right, I'll think about it.

In the past, he would have simply stood up and left at this point, but this time he had waved at me muttering a "goodbye" before walking off thoughtfully.

What a big mess, I don't know what to think... Was I right to ask him to come to the birthday party? And what should I do after that? I don't know what to think, it's all so complicated...

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From Venus's diary

The last few days have been quite chaotic at home, Sirio's birthday is approaching and we have a party to organize. Rummaging in the old warehouses behind our office Cassy has already found a beautiful gift for him: a holographic projector that represents our entire galaxy.

Sirio: Oooh...

He has spent quite some time trying to catch the stars in the projection, and I can't blame him. That hologram is truly mesmerizing if you look at it for too long...

We were having quite a lot of fun planning for the party, yet I couldn't avoid feeling worried. Cassy had been so thoughtful in the last few days, since when that squid-head talked with her, to be precise. She hasn't told me anything about it yet, but the more time passes the clearer it becomes that something actually happened. But what?

Venus: Well, what did that squid-head tell you?

Cassy: I already told you, he's not a squid. The tendrils on his head are for reading other people's minds without...

Venus: Don't divert the conversation though! The other night you disappeared for hours without saying anything to anyone, what have you done?

Cassy: (vague) We talked a bit.

Venus: (exasperated) But talked about what? After all the time he went missing, all you had to say was: "go to hell!"

Cassy: I wanted to at least understand what he thought of all this.

Venus: And what did you expect to hear? He ran off like the big cowardly squid he is, that's what!

Cassy: (thoughtful) Well, maybe the situation was more complicated than this instead.

Venus: What are you talking ab...

Cassy: I read his thoughts the other night, and you know it too that you can't lie like this.

Venus: But...

Cassy: I saw how his mind was overwhelmed when he left, I mean, literally. It took a while for him to recover after it. 

Venus: C'mon, don't try to justify his behaviour now! How can you ignore how badly you felt when he dumped you? And for him completely ignoring Sirio for this long, too?

Cassy: ... I told you, I read his mind. I mean, it's true that he was too scared to return back to us, but... But he doesn't want to hurt us, either.

Well, even if that was remotely true, that would just elevate him from the level of coward squid-head to a barely decent person. Not very encouraging, to say the least.

C'mon, how can Cassy not see this too?

Venus: So, seriously, what are you planning to do? Pretending nothing happened?

Cassy: Of course not... But I don't want to cut him off completely, either.

Venus: So you want to see him again?

Cassy: Actually... I asked him to participate to Sirio's birthday.

Venus: You asked him to what? I don't know what were you thinking, but the weird ideas that go through that squid head will only end up making both you and Sirio feel bad again, you should just stay away from him!

Cassy: ... I just want to see the kind of person he's become now.

Venus: ...

Cassy: ... Please, at least try not to argue with him tonight, okay?

I was speechless, how could she really be so naive? And risk giving false hopes to Sirio too? 

I don't know what he could have told Cassy to convince her to give him a chance, but this time I really can't avoid thinking she's making a big, big mistake.

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From Cassy's diary

Toq arrived a few hours later, he seemed a bit hesitant about what to do until when Sirio reached for him with a big smile on his lit face, willing to talk with him.

Sirio: (happy) Hi!

Toq: (polite) Hello Sirio. Happy birthday.

Sirio had been curious about his birthday cake all over the afternoon, and he couldn't wait to be able to play with those lit candles that seemed to be waiting for him to play with them.

Cassy: Ready to blow on the candles?

And here is my little man growing up. The more time passes the more I see the similarity with Toq, especially in photos. For some strange reason, they are always framed with such serious expressions… Or, maybe, they just didn't like the cake.

Even though Sirio is starting to feel like a "big boy" now, he continues to get along with his little cousin Halley as much as before. Needless to say, they played till they dropped asleep on the sofa, and we then brought them to bed about one hour later.

Toq didn't say much, he mostly answered the few questions Sirio made to him. He then politely told us goodbye and headed to the entrance door, I had to rush to follow him to manage to tell him at least a couple of words. 

Toq: (perplexed) Did something happen?

Cassy: No, well... I just wanted to thank you for coming. 

Toq: (Perplexed) Are you sure my presence was actually positive? Venus did not seem to have appreciated the fact I was there at all.

Well, of course he would have noticed, Venus's hostility against him was so evident that even I could read it from her expression. And I'm also sure he sensed the doubts I had during the party, the ones about whether it was really a good idea or not to ask him to be present. 

However, he didn't do anything bad, after all. He was just trying to be nice towards us and to interpret the situation around him, even if the thoughts he was reading from us were probably very... contradictory. 

Cassy: She worries about me and Sirio, you know... But it was actually nice to have you around, Sirio in particular was so happy!

Toq: ...

Cassy: Also, I was thinking that, maybe, you could pass again from our place when you have some time. If you want to, I mean.

Toq: (surprised) Really?

Cassy: I mean, why not? Sirio has still a ton of questions for you, and I actually have a few things I would still like to clarify as well.

Toq: I see.

It's so hard to understand what he's thinking sometimes, in certain moments I wish I could read his mind the way he does with us... I mean, was I doing the right thing by giving him again so much trust?

Still unsure about what to do, at that moment I was only able to say goodbye to him.

Cassy: Well, bye then. See you.

Toq: Goodbye, Cassiopeia. 

He left with a small smile on his face, maybe he enjoyed the day as well, after all... Bah, why this whole situation needs to be so complicated to understand?

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