Chapter 8.20: What now?

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From Rowan's diary

The days passed, but the thoughts that crowded our minds were still many.

Recent events have made it clear that Juno wanted to spend more time together, but all attempts to do so have been quite awkward. It's as if we had lost some trust, but also complicity, to each other.

So now any interaction feels like walking on eggshells, it's exhausting. And I don't know where to start from to change it.

Juno: The plants are growing very quickly, I didn't think it was so easy!

Rowan: Sixamian plants are hardier than the local ones, as far as I know. And then, this part of the house has so much light, it would be too hot in here to make anything other than a greenhouse.

Juno: Yes, I agree.

Most of the time we're talking to each other in friendly tones, just like we always had. However, our conversations were always very casual, unimportant, basically avoiding completely the topics we should instead be addressing. 

Juno: I'm preparing some popcorn for breakfast, do you want some too?

Rowan: Okay, why not.

I can't deny that, a couple of times, I felt like it would be very easy to blame this whole situation on her. If it had really been such a difficult period for her, why had she decided to vent with Logan instead of me? That was the worst part for me, actually, I was convinced she trusted me more than this.

In those moments it is also difficult for me to ignore the little voice in my head that reminds me of all the differences between the two of us, and of all the little compromises we have always needed to make to remain on the same track.

But that sentiment is always very short-lived, it never takes long before I feel guilty for even just thinking such a thing. Yes, what happened was upsetting and painful to me, but this didn't change the fact that I still worry and care for her, and that seeing her crying so much as she did that day made me feel bad too. 

When, then, I think about Gaia, any irrational thought immediately fades away. I saw way too many divorce causes on my work desk, relationships are ending over the most trivial stuff all the time. It's not a matter of black and white, of pointing out who is right and who is wrong. And it's not just about the two of us anymore either, we're a family now, and I don't want Gaia to be troubled just because her parents weren't mature enough to face a crisis like reasonable adults. 

No, overall I think I have quite clear ideas on what choices I would make. Why is Juno avoiding the topic instead, then? Is she having doubts about whether to continue our relationship, perhaps?

Waiting isn't the solution, clearly, but what else can I do to try to change the situation?

Rowan: (careful) I was thinking we could take a vacation, and leave the city for a few days. 

Juno: (surprised) Oh, really? Don't you have to work?

Rowan: It's a relatively calm week at my office. I could even manage to take next Friday off, for instance, maybe we could manage to leave for a longer weekend.

Juno: I see... Do you already have something in mind?

Rowan: I may be repetitive, but I'd like to show Sulani to Gaia, sooner or later.

Juno: Oh, I can't say no to Sulani! But, I mean… Are you sure it wouldn't be too sad for you?

Rowan: …

Since my parents passed away I had been to Sulani just a few times, usually for a few hours to celebrate New Year or other similar small occasions.

The sight of our old house, the beaches, and everything else, made me very sad for many years. But, as time passed, everything slowly transformed into a much sweeter nostalgia, and lately I'm missing those places more and more. Also, it's just the calm and slow-paced place I need to clear my mind a bit, unlike this city.

Rowan: Yes, I'm actually starting to miss that place quite a lot.

Juno: (nods) Okay, that's fine with me then. I'll discuss it at work to try to get a day off too.

She's talking so little, in comparison with what she used to. I really don't know what she may be thinking...

So we organized a last-minute holiday in Sulani for the following weekend. We tried multiple times to explain to Gaia where we were going, but all she seemed to care about was to ensure that also Nacho could join us on this vacation.

Gaia : Na-ho, I want Na-ho!

Juno: I don't know, would he be okay over there?

Rowan: Well, actually, he's already used to that place, he lived chasing birds around our house for so long...

So all three of us, Nacho, and a considerable pile of luggage, took the teleporting machine to reach the little house we had rented in Sulani for the weekend.

Rowan: So Gaia, what do you think?

Gaia: Uhm...

Juno: The sea is very close, if you're careful you can hear it from here!

Gaia: ...

A trembling lip is never a good sign, perhaps Gaia was scared by all those sudden differences. Hoping that finding something to play with would have put her more at ease, we quickly went to the nearest beach.

Rowan: What do you think about this place, Gaia? Do you like the sea?

Gaia: Um.

She didn't say anything, but any second made it clearer to me that Gaia really didn't like the beach, she seemed reluctant even to be put on the ground. I had never even considered this possibility, honestly. From what I was told, as a child I started rushing towards the sea well before I could walk properly. 

Gaia, on the other hand, just examined the new place with extreme suspicion, before climbing onto the first bench in the shade and falling asleep there. I don't understand, maybe she's just tired?

Rowan: (perplexed) She never wants to sleep, I didn't expect her to behave this way in here. I mean, there would be so many things to do.

Juno: Maybe she's just tired from the travel, she often falls asleep after teleporting after all...

Since Gaia was sound asleep, we decided to take a swim in the sea. Even from the water I could keep an eye on her, and in any case I could swim fast enough to reach her quickly if needed.

Juno: You swim so fast, did you spend all your time in the water as a kid?

Rowan: Sort of, apart from the monsoon season of course.

The hours passed, and we decided to grill something for lunch.

After the nap Gaia seemed at least a bit more energetic and happy than before, but she was still very cautious of her surroundings. Well, to be fair, this place couldn't be more different from Sim City, for sure she has a lot of new things to get used to.

???: Hey Rowan, it's been ages since the last time you showed up!

Rowan: Hey, hi Ed!

Ed: I heard that you live in the city now, how are you doing in there? 

Over the day we met several of my old acquaintances. Some guys from the scout group, neighbours, classmates, everyone stopped to have a chat, to meet Juno and Gaia and so on. It was so different from the city I was now getting used to, here everyone knows each other and cares about them, too.

Just to give an example, Ed offered to lend us some of his children's old buckets and spades, so that we could show Gaia that sand was much more fun than she thought.

And building sandcastles wasn't at all a bad idea, after understanding that sand shouldn't be eaten Gaia spent the whole afternoon with Juno trying to build the biggest sandcastle they could.

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So the day soon passed between chatting, swimming and sand castles. For certain things, time here on Sulani seems to pass slower than elsewhere, but at other times the days seem to pass in the blink of an eye.

Juno: (cheerful) So, ready for the party?

Yes, party. Because, coincidentally, my birthday falls this weekend, while Juno's is a few weeks away, and we decided to celebrate them together right here, during this vacation in Sulani. After all, it's much easier to invite people from New Sixam here than to Sim City, so it seemed like the best solution. 

Juno: (laughing) Hey Nacho, do you like this fridge?

Rowan: I don't know why he likes them, but he seems really obsessed with them.

Juno: Maybe he just likes staying at the highest spot he can find.

Juno: So, what do your cousins ​​say?

Rowan: In five minutes they'll take the teleport machine and join us.

It was a nice party, it reminded me of the ones we used to organise when I was still a child, the only thing missing was mum's guitar and dad's singing.

Gaia: Cake!

River: It's really delicious! Did you make it, Juno?

Juno: Yes. Here I didn't have all the equipment I have at home, it's actually tilting a bit on the side.

Iris: Well, I didn't even notice, you know? It's so sweet!

A few hours later...

River: Well, considering the time zones, it's starting to get late for us, Caleb has to go to bed!

Rowan: (checking the time) Yes, you're not wrong.

Juno: Actually, it's almost bedtime for Gaia too!

Eva: True, a moment ago she made a very funny yawn, she couldn't stop!

Juno: Thanks again for coming, really.

Iris: Of course, we would never say no to a party!

So they all politely said goodbye, and then took the teleporter to return back to their homes. We, however, still had to put little Gaia to bed, and then perhaps we could finally have some time alone for a real talk.

Juno: And then the little mermaid…

Gaia: (yawns)

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Juno: It has been a while since when I saw a bonfire. Are they common here?

Rowan: Quite a lot, especially in the evening.

Juno: It's a sort of tradition, in short.

Rowan: (nods) From what I know, people always did them. There is also a fire festival here, with fire dancers and everything.

Even I could tell that the conversation we were supposed to be having wasn't that one. What else should I have said, though? I couldn't find any wit way to change the topic of that conversation, and so we ended up continuing with what we were saying.

Juno: (thoughtfully) It's weird to think about it. I know that to make a bonfire like this you need to burn a lot of wood, which will release even more CO₂ into the air, but here it seems so normal.

Rowan: Mom used to talk about it at dinner time, in particular when they were evaluating how many trees were cut down each year and how many were planted. In the end, the numbers were always very similar, and all this greenery abundantly compensates for a few bonfires like this.

Juno: Here there is balance, in short.

Rowan: Yes, that definitely seems like a good way to describe the place.

Juno: In Sim City, instead, it seems like the complete opposite. I don't think a circularity like this could even be possible.

Rowan: No, everything here is based on such different traditions… But if tradition doesn't work in Sim City, maybe they should focus on technology instead, right?

Juno: Yes, it would take so little for them to move to a circular model for the production of energy and goods, the technology to do so is already all available in New Sixam. All they would need are some stellar core power plants to have all the green energy they need, and then use the matter recomposers to recycle all their waste and pollutants. If only they trusted sixamian technology a bit more...

Rowan: Yes, it's a shame that the only ones who really care about our technology are those from the Sim Nation defence department instead.

I don't remember exactly when, but I'm quite sure we already had some quite similar conversations. I for sure remember a few examples back in college, and also when we had just moved to Sim City, we always talked about these issues, and what we could do to change the situation. 

This is actually one of the things I missed the most, I love having this kind of conversation with her. However, at that moment, I also had a very strong impression that she wasn't really focused on what we were saying, that she was thinking about something else. 

That's probably another moment in which I could have said something, anything would have worked, but before I could find any idea she interrupted my thoughts, just saying:

Juno: Maybe we should go to sleep, if we want to have the energy to swim around also tomorrow!

I just nodded, hoping the night would bring me counsel.

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The next morning we decided to go a bit more on the east side of the island, moving to the one beach with the shallowest seabed and the lowest waves in the entire archipelago.

At first Gaia still seemed perplexed and not very interested in the water, and it took a while to slowly convince her that it wasn't that different from the bathtub after all. Only at that point, she eventually started splashing anyone who was within her reach.

It has actually been nice to see Gaia having some fun too, at least for a little part of our vacation.

Maybe she is still too young to fully appreciate a place like this, or maybe it's simply not for her, but it doesn't matter. However, I'm happy to have shown her all this.

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Later the same day...

Juno: The atmosphere here is completely different from Sim City, if it weren't for my job I'd love to live here too!

Rowan: Yes, for better or worse that was the reason why I left.

Juno: What a shame, though...

The vacation was quickly reaching its end, and I hadn't managed to really talk with Juno yet. My last chance came late in the afternoon, when we were visiting the waterfalls and Gaia was napping a few meters from us. Of course, I wasn't able to elaborate a decent start for the conversation, apparently I'm just that bad at this. Yet, it was then or never, whatever I ended up saying, I just had to say something, anything.

Rowan:(very cautiously) Juno, actually, I think there is something else we should be talking about.

Juno: Sure. What is it?

Rowan: You've been very thoughtful recently, I was thinking that, I mean... By chance, are you having doubts about our marriage, or something like that?

I mean, relationships end every day, and couples often end up divorcing and taking different routes. I don't even want to think about that possibility, but what if she was feeling unhappy with me, if she thought that someone like that guy, Logan, could be better for her? The probabilities aren't that low, after all.

Juno: (caught off guard) Wait, what? No, aren't you the one who, I mean... 

Rowan: (confused) Uhm? Please, Juno, if something is bothering you, let's just talk about it! 

Juno: It's just that... It feels so stupid to say this out loud, you know? But the point is, you see... Aren't you the one who doesn't like me anymore? It's since when I was pregnant with Gaia that I had this impression, at least...

Rowan: ... !?

Juno: I mean, I see how you still care about us, but, I mean... You just seem to look at me in another way, even to avoid me sometimes. (Resigned) And I don't think I can blame you either, over this time I gained quite a lot of weight, I still can't fit in half of my old clothes, and then I got a lot of stretch marks, and...

Rowan: ...

I was so in shock to be unable to say anything, that was the last thing I would have imagined to hear from her. Among all things, was she really worried about me not liking her anymore? On top of it, she was worried that it could be because of the way she looks, among all reasons? Just how could she even fear that?

I had noticed how she was tired, sure, and also that she had been buying more new clothes than usual, but other than that I didn't really get what she was talking about. And, even if the way she looks really changed dramatically for whatever reason, why she would be afraid that this would put me off? 

Rowan: I don't really get what you're talking about, but it's not true I don't like you anymore, of course it's not!

Juno: Then why —

Gaia: Mom, dad, I need to pee!

Objectively, Gaia is always impressive with her timing. Of course, we had to interrupt the conversation and postpone it to another moment to find a toilet for her. At that point, then, it was already time to pick up our stuff, to then return back to Sim City.

That vacation didn't go at all as I intended, that's for sure.

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That evening, back to Sim City, just after Gaia fell asleep

I can't deny that Gaia's interruption that afternoon had left me a bit upset. However, in retrospect, that interruption had probably been more useful than not. In the end, it gave me (and probably Juno too) some time to reflect on our own about what the other had said, to assimilate it. 

Her words really hit hard, I didn't realise she felt that way. I really can't understand from where she may have gotten that idea, she used to say: "I'm fine", or: "that's nothing", all along, what did I do wrong?

I may be bad, not to say terrible, with romantic stuff, but for sure I can do at least a bit better than this. I want to see her happy again, that's it.

Rowan: I prepared some popcorn, do you want to watch a movie together or something?

Juno: Are you sure you don't have to work tonight?

Rowan: No. I mean, technically we're still on vacation, right?

Juno: Well, that sounds about right, that's true.

This said, she picked a bowl of popcorn too, and we sat together on the sofa switching on the TV. 

Needless to say, that movie has been the most ignored movie ever in history. That conversation was taking ridiculously long, we clearly had to say what remained to be said.

Juno: Well, your face earlier today was actually quite reassuring, you seemed totally in disbelief at what I told you!

Rowan: Of course I was! 

Juno: Well, if this is the case... May I ask you why you seemed to avoid me, then? In particular since when we moved here it has been pretty bad, you know?

Rowan: I wasn't avoiding you!

Juno: Then why did you prefer to sleep alone in the studio, instead of joining me in bed? Or why you never talked with me about anything different than chores and appointments to organise?

Rowan: Ehm, well, about that...

And that's when I started to really understand. When was the last time we had spent some time together, alone, as we used to in the past? Being on my own may be fine for me, but for her? 

And I could understand much better her comment from that afternoon too, it really felt stupid explaining out loud what I've been feeling all along.

Rowan: Actually... It's just that I have too much to do, I keep saying "maybe tomorrow"... Also, honestly, I'm very tired at this point,  and I need some time alone to recover, at the end of the day.

Juno: I see. Then...

I don't know if it is because we finally were able to not work for three days in a row, or because Gaia was tired enough after the vacation in Sulani to sleep through the whole night (as it hadn't happened in ages), but finally we had managed to explain what we had held to ourselves, to apologise to each other, to share our ideas, and also to just enjoy each other's company as we used to do ages ago. Juno seemed happy and reassured as I hadn't seen her in a while, and I felt enormously relieved too.

In the next weeks, we'll definitively need to make a new schedule, and reset our priorities too. I don't want to spend all my life working (for a job I don't even like, on top of that), and I want to build some good memories with Juno and Gaia too.

And it doesn't seem such an impossible scenario to achieve either, not now Gaia that is growing up and becoming more and more manageable, and that we don't need to work all those hours anymore because the house is ours already. The last few weeks have been a misery for us both, for sure we'll do our best to avoid anything similar to happen ever again.

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