From Petra's diary
I wasn't in a great mood when I returned back home already, the last thing I needed was mom trying to start that kind of conversation.
But as I usually do when the situation gets tense, I gave the worst possible answer. All I wanted was to be left alone for a while, and instead I managed to mess up even more by saying the most embarrassing sentence of my life in front of my mother and my brothers. Outing myself like that, what was I thinking?
So, to make it clear that I didn't want to say anything else, I went upstairs to lock myself in my room. Deep down, however, I was already expecting that this wouldn't be enough to stop mom. Not after what I said, and how I said it...
Diego: (who just arrived) Surprise! I thought to bring you some muffins made with- Hey, did I miss something?
Gaia: Sorry, I really don't have time now! I made a mess, that's what, I'll explain later!
Diego: (perplexed) What happened?
Nico: Mom and Petra argued, but I didn't really understand about what, actually.
Gaia: Honey, can I?
Petra: …
Gaia: Sorry about before, really, I assumed that… um... But I completely misunderstood, I didn't mean to say that… I mean...
Petra: That's not the problem, don't worry.
Well, probably it was at least part of the problem. I mean, it's not like I expect mom to be mad at me for liking girls or anything... but I don't expect her to completely understand me, either.
Gaia: I see... If this is the case, can I ask you what the problem is?
It was so embarrassing... but at this point, can I really avoid the conversation completely?
Petra: It's quite embarrassing, I've never talked about it to anyone...
Gaia: …
For once mom seemed more in the mood to listen than to talk, and in any case the hardest part to say out loud had already come out. There probably wasn't much of a reason to hide the rest at that point, I guess.
Petra: The message from before, it was from Emy. She wanted to thank me because what I told her tonight cheered her up a bit, and she wanted to tell me again how happy she is to have a best friend like me.
Before continuing I let out a sigh, it all seemed so unfair and frustrating…
Petra: … I mean, I know she's not interested in me in that way, and I also know that it's not a given that she'll reciprocate, but… But it still hurts, that's what.
After that, both mom and I remained silent for a while. I understand that for her this is a lot of information to take in all at once, and probably after the mess from before she also wanted to avoid saying the wrong thing again. But the silence was getting long enough to be considered awkward, it was definitely her turn to say something, anything.
Gaia: ...
Petra: By chance, do you have any suggestions? Because otherwise-
Gaia: I, well...
Gaia: I'm sorry you feel this way, I really am...
She hesitated for a few more moments, before adding:
Gaia: Thinking back, when I was about your age I also had a massive crush on a friend I couldn't stop thinking about.
Petra: And how did it end?
Gaia: I'd skip over that point…
Petra: So what's the point of talking about it now?
Gaia: It's to tell you that I know how it feels, I remember how bad it felt not to feel reciprocated... But it also made me understand that, over time, the perception of things can change a lot. Sometimes you realize that it was just a passing crush, sometimes time brings people closer, and other times it pushes them apart... It's difficult, but it's also a part of life, I think.
Petra: Honestly, it's been going on for a while now, I just don't see how waiting could help me.
Gaia: I see...
Mom took another pause to think, but from her expression I could already see her normal talkativeness struggling to come out and make her ask out loud all the questions passing through her head.
Gaia: Thinking about it, though, are you really sure she doesn't like you? Have you ever talked about it?
Petra: What!? Of course not! As far as I know, she doesn't even like other girls, it would just be humiliating!
Gaia: Are you really sure, though? I mean, I know it's scary... But I also think it's hard to move on, until you doubt that things may have been different.
Petra: …
Gaia: Emma seems like a very understanding girl, I'm sure you would remain friends no matter what.
The idea alone seemed so illogical to me, what were the chances Emy liked me back? With a probability of 99.99% that would have been the most embarrassing conversation of my life, that's what. But maybe mom wasn't completely wrong, as long as I kept hoping that there was a 0.01% chance she could like me back I would have continued thinking about it. So I ended up answering, cautiously:
Petra: … I'll think about it.
At that point mom realized that there wasn't much that words could add to that conversation, and she stood up to give me a comforting hug.
Gaia: I'm sure everything will turn out right, just give it some time.
Petra: … Thank you.
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From Gaia's diary
I continued to mull over what Petra told me all night. I had woken up very early and then hurried up in the attic to work with the matter recomposer, it helped me think.
I really didn't understand a thing of what was bothering her, Petra had had every reason to be angry with me... And she also made me realize that she was already much more mature than I was at her age.
I want to do something to make up for it, maybe a nice gift... But what?
Diego: That's where you are! You woke up before the rooster crowed this morning!
Gaia: Sorry, I didn't mean to abandon you downstairs, I know it's been a long time since we've seen each other... But I have a lot on my mind, you know how it is.
Diego: Don't worry, Nico explained the situation to me a little.
Gaia: I was thinking about recomposing her a gift, to cheer her up a bit, but what?
I thought about it some more time. Petra had always been a very practical and no-frills girl, she certainly wouldn't settle for some cute knick-knack. No, she's interested in scientific and eco-friendly things, something she can experiment with, something like...
Gaia: ... maybe I have an idea, but I have to get to work before it slips my mind!
Diego: Okay, got it. I'm going back downstairs to prepare those muffins for breakfast, come join us whenever you want!
Gaia: Uhm, Okay...
Thinking back now, maybe I should have gone back downstairs with him, from what he told me afterwards I missed quite a scene.
Apparently the twins were in a chatty mood this morning, and asked Diego a lot of questions about how to shave one's beard. Of course he responded enthusiastically, starting a twenty-minute monologue about the different beard-grooming traditions he had encountered around the world, and how he copied ideas from them until he learned to shave his beard like he does now.
I'm happy that the boys are starting to make friends with Diego, and also that they have found someone a little more knowledgeable than I am when it comes to beards.
On the other hand, I am also very satisfied with what I managed to put together for Petra:
I just had to find a moment to give it to Petra, didn't I, my dear diary?
Gaia: Hey Petra, do you have a moment?
Petra: (cautiously) Yes… but you don't want to keep talking about things from last night, do you? Because-
Gaia: Actually, I just wanted to give you a present. Here you go!
Petra: (perplexed) What is it, a handheld vacuum cleaner?
Gaia: No, even if it looks like one. It's a smog vacuum cleaner, it works like a vacuum cleaner but has a filter with a small enough mesh to trap atmospheric particulate matter. But to build it I reassembled the old vacuum cleaner, I have to admit it.
Petra: Cool, does it really work?
Gaia: I think so. Why don't you try it, after school?
Petra: Okay!
Maybe for once I found a good present for her, even if she didn't say much she seemed as excited as when she received the exact toy she wanted as a child.
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From Petra's diary
At first mom surprised me with that gift, but thinking back, it's just like her to try to console us with a little gift or some cockies when she sees us feeling down. Maybe she doesn't totally understand me, but for sure she's trying hard.
So I told Mike and Amy to meet after school to test the smog extractor, all three of us couldn't wait to see if it really had potential.
Petra: It's much lighter than it looks!
Emma: So you can filter pollutants out of the air with that?
Petra: Atmospheric particulate matter, to be precise.
Michael: It's an interesting prototype, but how big would it have to be to clean up the whole city?
Emma: Maybe it would be even better to place lots of them around the city, right?
Petra: Yes, right!
Emma: But do you think we can talk about this for the science class essay?
Petra: I'm not sure, the assignment is about climate change... I mean, even atmospheric particulate matter has a bit of an effect, I think, but it would be better to find something to reduce CO2 too, right?
Michael: Yeah, that's true. But that would be so much harder, you can't use a filter like this to separate CO2 from the rest of the air, it's a gas after all!
Petra: There must be some way though, maybe tomorrow we should go to the library to see if we can find something on the subject.
We thought about it for a while before we ran out of ideas. By then it was pretty late and all three of us were pretty tired and worn out from the day, so we decided to go into the club next door to unwind a bit.
After yesterday's conversation with mom, it's weirder than ever to be sitting next to Emy and hide all my thoughts, should I really tell her something? It doesn't seem like the right time or place, if a right place and time for this even exists...
I was lost in my thoughts, when Mike brought me back to reality by asking Emy:
Michael: Hey, Emy, how's it going with Marc, in the end?
Emma: (A little embarrassed) Um... I'm meeting with him tomorrow, I'm so worried!
Michael: Worried? Why? You'll have fun for sure!
Emma: Well, there are so many things that can go wrong! What if he doesn't like my hairstyle? Or-
Michael: Come on, he won't even notice!
Petra: ...
I had to try really hard to keep a neutral expression at that moment. Was I really so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn't realize she was interested in someone else?
All that thinking about confessing to her seemed so idiotic in that moment, that 0.01% chance had just shattered before my eyes.
And then why does Mike always find out about these things before me? It has to be because he lives in her same block, like it or not they spend a lot of time together...
Emma: Well, but enough chit-chat: we're at karaoke, shall we sing?
Before I could understand what was about to happen, she grabbed me by the elbow to drag me to sing along. What was I supposed to do?
I felt horrible at that moment, but what could I do, walk away? Even if she doesn't like me back, Emy is still my best friend, I don't want to lose that too...
So I grabbed the microphone and got ready to sing. She was right, even if we were out of tune it was fun. And it also helped me distract myself from the rest for a few minutes.
It's really been a long week, my dear diary, a very long one...
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§HermioneSims§ corner: disclaimer time
Hello everyone! Here I am again with some disclaimer. As you've probably guessed from the last few chapters, it's time for one of the situations I feared the most as a SimLit writer: writing a POV character who identifies as LGBT. I mean, Petra's character outline in my head went instinctively in this direction quite early on, this is the only way I could have written her. On the other hand, however, this is something I have no direct experience to use as a base for my writing, all I can do is research, guess and hope for the best. Thus, here comes the first disclaimer: despite my best efforts, the risk I wrote some total nonsense is very high this time. Thus, I want to apologise in advance if I wrote anything very wrong.
My second disclaimer instead is related to the circumstances in which I originally wrote this whole legacy. As you know, I originally wrote this story in Italian and posted it on a small Italian forum, and I tended to use what is familiar to me and to my original readers as my reference point. As you may expect, Italy is still quite backwards about anything LGBT related, a lot of people (in particular those older than 40) consider different orientations or identities as something inappropriate to even talk about, and also focusing on such characters in fiction is often frowned upon (in fact queer characters aren't common in local fiction, not even in SimLit. This is also why I waited for Gen 10 to try a character like this, actually). Sadly, Italy is still a lot like a place where being LGBT is seen as a private matter to keep to oneself, and as a result many Italian queer people seem either closeted or out to a very small circle of people they trust a lot. Back to my disclaimer, now I'm reposting my story in a blog that can reach readers all over the world, and that most likely have a different experience on the subject than the one I used as my reference point and that I thought my original readers could relate to. I actually hope you come from a more progressive place and that you'll see Petra's story arc as moving too slowly, and I'm actually up to comment about it as the story progresses.
Finally, I want to close this endless disclaimer with a happy note: while telling Petra's story and interacting with my first readers, I realised that also the Italian Sims community is way more open-minded than the national average, so that I'm also an Admin on that forum I was actually very proud of our users <3
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