Chapter 5.20: A more and more weird family

 <-- Previous Chapter

From Cassy's diary

Since Sirio's birthday, Toq took the habit to visit us a couple of times a week. He always spends a lot of time with Sirio, often helping him with his homework or playing a bit with him.

Sirio: Toq, but why did you finish working so late today?

Toq: Mr Henry, one of the shop's supplies, had a mishap which caused him to arrive late. It was quite an ironic mishap actually, he could not deliver spare parts to us due to a malfunction in his own teleport device.

Sirio: (laughing) Really? Couldn't he just fix it by himself?

The two of them seem to get along surprisingly well. I suppose it's related to their telepathy,  somehow they just manage to spot the mood of the other the moment they sit next to the other and act consequently. They seem to be able to synchronize with each other, in a way I can't really understand. 

Well, there isn't anything bad in it, I guess. Actually I guess I should consider it a good thing, I wasn't sure Toq and Sirio could bond so quickly, and Sirio is happier than ever before. 

However, I have to admit that for me it's not so easy to see them chatting so friendly every other day. I can't see the thoughts in other people's minds the way Toq does, nor I can empathize with any emotion felt by the ones surrounding me as Sirio does, and so I always struggle to follow their conversations. Maybe I just feel excluded, and for sure this is very frustrating. 

Sirio: (turning towards the sofa) Mom, do you want to talk with us too?

The other consequence of their telepathy is that I can't have a single doubt or hesitation without them noticing. Sirio in particular is really learning a lot, until not so long ago he would have struggled to recognise an emotion like: "feeling excluded from the group". And, when perceiving negative emotions in others, he always tries his best to cheer the ones around him up, he really can't stand sad people. So I put on a smile, and join their chat. 

Cassy: So, what were you talking about?

Sirio: I was saying what we did today at school. We painted all afternoon, it was great!

Toq: Oh, so you drew your house.

Sirio: Yes, and also the spaceship mom uses at work!

Well, that's exactly the kind of situation where I get lost quite quickly. And, actually, Sirio was quickly at spotting my mood, as he jumped down his chair by saying:

Sirio: Wait, mom, I brought it at home, it's in my room! Wait a sec, I'm going to take it!

Cassy: Oh. Thank you, Sirio.

Sirio can really be lovely when behaving this way, he really cares so much about us. As for Toq instead... Well, very often I just have no idea about what he's thinking, and after reading his mind I won't make the mistake of thinking I can guess his thoughts anymore. He seems to be enjoying his time here with us at least, and for the moment the information seems sufficient to me.

Usually, Toq remains leaves about one hour before dinner time politely saying goodbye to everyone. After his first visits, then, Sirio would always sit next to me, asking:

Sirio: When is Toq returning back? 

Cassy: Ehm, I don't know exactly... 

This situation is very challenging for me, I hadn't any sure way for telling whether Toq would have returned to visit us or not. Sirio seemed to care so much, but I don't want to delude him either. The solution to all these questions seems so close, if just Toq had been a bit more clear with us...

But there was at least one question which was puzzling me quite a bit, and for which I could find an answer pretty easily.

Cassy: By the way, why don't you call him dad? It's a bit... uncommon, you know.

Sirio: Uhm... 

Sirio focused really a lot to think of an answer, but eventually he just shrugged and then simply said:

Sirio: I don't know why, but he just understands better than I'm talking to him this way. 

Cassy: I see...

This said, Sirio just hugged me very tightly. He still likes hugs just as much as when he was little, and for sure I won't be the one complaining about it.

This whole situation can be pretty, how to say... disorienting from time to time, but I wouldn't say that anything worrisome happened since when Toq reappeared in our lives. Above all, I find it so frustrating to be unable to understand what is going on half of the time... 

Maybe I should just start to make many more questions, that's it. 

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To Sirio's delight, Toq showed up again a few times the following week. And we were all particularly surprised when he decided to show up for also for Winterfest. Actually, he also brought a few presents for the kids. I still struggle at understanding what he's really thinking, back in the days he seemed to hate this kind of loud local celebrations.

I like to think that he could have decided to come because he understood how important it is for Sirio, he cares so much about this festivity he spent a whole week preparing the paper decorations himself. He would spend hours with his crayons and filling sheet after sheet, it's clear that he really enjoys drawing, and the more time passes the more he improves.

For example, he made all the Winterfest cards scattered around the house all by himself. Aren't they beautiful, my dear diary?

Venus: So, guys, what other decorations do we want to put on this tree?

Halley: Apples!

Sirio: No, apples are too heavy! Let's use popcorn instead!

Halley: Yeeeeeah!

While we were all intent on opening our presents and eating the roasted ham cooked by Venus we really looked like a big and weird family, don't you agree, my dear diary?

But we still didn't know that our family was about to become even weirder...

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From Venus' diary

Recently Steve is very busy with some project he is assembling in his workshop, now he spends almost all his free time at the robot construction station doing I don't know what. He says he wants it to be a surprise, and he seems eager to reveal to the rest of us what his big new project is the moment it is finished. 

Venus: Dinner is ready, do you want to join us?

Steve: ... What? Oh, dinner... a minute and I'll join you, don't worry.

Cassy: Steve, it's three in the morning, and we can't sleep if you keep hammering like this!

Steve: Sorry, I'll try to hit with a bit less energy. Or I could just soundproof the room... In any case it's almost finished, don't worry!

Cassy: (yawning) Okay... 

Halley: Dad, let's play!

Steve: Oh, hi honey! Dad is almost finished building a beautiful thing, wouldn't you prefer to play in here for a while?

Halley: Uh, dad boring.

Steve: Well, fingers crossed...

robot: Buzzzzzzzzzz.....

Steve: Ehm... can you hear me?

robot: Ignition complete, all parameters meet the expected ranges.

Steve: (excited)  Wow, it really works!

And that's how the Miller family acquired its robotic member. Steve decided to call it Techna (actually, I'm quite unsure about what pronoun to use. Does it really make a difference for robots, by the way?)

At least Techna seems quite friendly, and also helps us a lot with the housework. Even the kids loved it right away, trying to play with it from the first moment.

Halley: Story, story!

Steve says it's a prototype of a robot coded with a machine learning AI he and his colleagues have been working on for a while, it will remain at our house to test its functionalities and whether it needs any upgrades. But, despite everything, no one can deny that they have grown fond of it rather quickly.

I mean, it's a real intelligent robot, isn't it cool?

Next Chapter -->

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§HermioneSims§ corner

After so much talking about Toq the title probably looked a bit misleading, but instead the next addition to the family is indeed... a robot!

About it, at this moment I really am quite troubled in deciding what pronoun to use for it from now on, the translation really isn't straightforward in this case. 

My mother tongue decline "genders in grammar" in a quite different way than English does and, in short, to this day the official rules only allow to choose between the pronouns equivalent to "he" and "she". The topic is actually larger and is currently being discussed a lot, but a shared solution seems very far from being achieved. 

So that this robot was activated in game as female and was given a feminine name (Techna), in the original version of the legacy it was referred to as something equivalent to "she/her". World-building-wise, however, I didn't really characterise any robot in the story in terms of anything resembling a gender, and so I was wondering if a neutral option could have been more appropriate instead.

And this is where English comes in handy, as it has many more pronoun options to choose from. As I'm not proficient enough in English to really sense the difference, though, I wonder: which could be the most appropriate pronoun for robots? The options which come to my mind are "it/its", "they/them", or something else exclusively meant for robots (but this last option in particular scares me quite a lot, as I already need a lot of reasoning with standard English grammar, and it would be particularly challenging for me to introduce a whole new pronoun in my writing...), or I don't know what else.

I'm actually quite unsure about this whole matter, if any of you has some suggestions I would actually be quite interested in hearing them.

Chapter 5.19: Making a choice

 <-- Previous Chapter

From Cassy's diary

So I finally got to see what was in his mind. I immediately realized why he was struggling so much in explaining his story to me, there were so many confusing thoughts to unpack... I had no idea that moving from Sixam to the Earth had been so much destabilizing for him, way more than I had ever remotely suspected.

The memories about his life on Sixam I was able to glimpse in his mind were so hard to interpret, everything seemed so different and incomprehensible… But the one detail that immediately stuck with me was how frighteningly demanding and rigorous the original Sixamians were. Sixam's native language did not include any words to describe emotions, and from an early age Toq and his people had only been able to follow orders and suppress any other thought. They had no families, friends, or hobbies, just tasks to complete within the given time to the best of their ability.

Upon their arrival on Earth, they were then given a house and a job, and everyone expected them to deal on their own with a system that was completely alien and incomprehensible to them. The transition was traumatic for them, I think this is the best definition I can find to describe what I sensed from him.

Back then I just expected him to be a bit disoriented by his new life, but I was also convinced that he was doing quite well regardless. I was completely clueless about the psychological distress he was experiencing, and even more I ignored how this distress could also affect the integrity of his brain. I mean, that mental overload stuff looks scary, why didn't he tell me anything about it before?

Toq: (confused) Your technique is actually a bit... rough. 

It took me a while to navigate through that amount of information, and even more so for elaborating on it.

I think now I understand better why Toq behaved the way he did, he came from such a different mindset from ours... And, from his thoughts, I also got confirmation that he really cared about me, albeit in a pretty peculiar way. All this can only make me feel a little bit better.

However, I just can't just forgive him either. After all, all over these years he never took the initiative and found the courage to come back to Sirio and me. If it hadn't been for Venus and Steve who met him by chance we probably wouldn't even be here now. While I now understand that he didn't do what he did out of malice or indifference, I certainly can't overlook the way his actions and his choices did hurt us. I just can't think of trusting him again right away, pretending like nothing ever happened. 

But I don't want him to disappear completely from our lives again either, not now that I'm starting to understand something more about what happened. What should I do?

Cassy: (a bit unsure) ... I think Sirio was pleased to meet you. His birthday is in a few weeks, you could show up too. If you want to, I mean.

Toq: (taken aback) Oh. All right, I'll think about it.

In the past, he would have simply stood up and left at this point, but this time he had waved at me muttering a "goodbye" before walking off thoughtfully.

What a big mess, I don't know what to think... Was I right to ask him to come to the birthday party? And what should I do after that? I don't know what to think, it's all so complicated...

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From Venus's diary

The last few days have been quite chaotic at home, Sirio's birthday is approaching and we have a party to organize. Rummaging in the old warehouses behind our office Cassy has already found a beautiful gift for him: a holographic projector that represents our entire galaxy.

Sirio: Oooh...

He has spent quite some time trying to catch the stars in the projection, and I can't blame him. That hologram is truly mesmerizing if you look at it for too long...

We were having quite a lot of fun planning for the party, yet I couldn't avoid feeling worried. Cassy had been so thoughtful in the last few days, since when that squid-head talked with her, to be precise. She hasn't told me anything about it yet, but the more time passes the clearer it becomes that something actually happened. But what?

Venus: Well, what did that squid-head tell you?

Cassy: I already told you, he's not a squid. The tendrils on his head are for reading other people's minds without...

Venus: Don't divert the conversation though! The other night you disappeared for hours without saying anything to anyone, what have you done?

Cassy: (vague) We talked a bit.

Venus: (exasperated) But talked about what? After all the time he went missing, all you had to say was: "go to hell!"

Cassy: I wanted to at least understand what he thought of all this.

Venus: And what did you expect to hear? He ran off like the big cowardly squid he is, that's what!

Cassy: (thoughtful) Well, maybe the situation was more complicated than this instead.

Venus: What are you talking ab...

Cassy: I read his thoughts the other night, and you know it too that you can't lie like this.

Venus: But...

Cassy: I saw how his mind was overwhelmed when he left, I mean, literally. It took a while for him to recover after it. 

Venus: C'mon, don't try to justify his behaviour now! How can you ignore how badly you felt when he dumped you? And for him completely ignoring Sirio for this long, too?

Cassy: ... I told you, I read his mind. I mean, it's true that he was too scared to return back to us, but... But he doesn't want to hurt us, either.

Well, even if that was remotely true, that would just elevate him from the level of coward squid-head to a barely decent person. Not very encouraging, to say the least.

C'mon, how can Cassy not see this too?

Venus: So, seriously, what are you planning to do? Pretending nothing happened?

Cassy: Of course not... But I don't want to cut him off completely, either.

Venus: So you want to see him again?

Cassy: Actually... I asked him to participate to Sirio's birthday.

Venus: You asked him to what? I don't know what were you thinking, but the weird ideas that go through that squid head will only end up making both you and Sirio feel bad again, you should just stay away from him!

Cassy: ... I just want to see the kind of person he's become now.

Venus: ...

Cassy: ... Please, at least try not to argue with him tonight, okay?

I was speechless, how could she really be so naive? And risk giving false hopes to Sirio too? 

I don't know what he could have told Cassy to convince her to give him a chance, but this time I really can't avoid thinking she's making a big, big mistake.

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From Cassy's diary

Toq arrived a few hours later, he seemed a bit hesitant about what to do until when Sirio reached for him with a big smile on his lit face, willing to talk with him.

Sirio: (happy) Hi!

Toq: (polite) Hello Sirio. Happy birthday.

Sirio had been curious about his birthday cake all over the afternoon, and he couldn't wait to be able to play with those lit candles that seemed to be waiting for him to play with them.

Cassy: Ready to blow on the candles?

And here is my little man growing up. The more time passes the more I see the similarity with Toq, especially in photos. For some strange reason, they are always framed with such serious expressions… Or, maybe, they just didn't like the cake.

Even though Sirio is starting to feel like a "big boy" now, he continues to get along with his little cousin Halley as much as before. Needless to say, they played till they dropped asleep on the sofa, and we then brought them to bed about one hour later.

Toq didn't say much, he mostly answered the few questions Sirio made to him. He then politely told us goodbye and headed to the entrance door, I had to rush to follow him to manage to tell him at least a couple of words. 

Toq: (perplexed) Did something happen?

Cassy: No, well... I just wanted to thank you for coming. 

Toq: (Perplexed) Are you sure my presence was actually positive? Venus did not seem to have appreciated the fact I was there at all.

Well, of course he would have noticed, Venus's hostility against him was so evident that even I could read it from her expression. And I'm also sure he sensed the doubts I had during the party, the ones about whether it was really a good idea or not to ask him to be present. 

However, he didn't do anything bad, after all. He was just trying to be nice towards us and to interpret the situation around him, even if the thoughts he was reading from us were probably very... contradictory. 

Cassy: She worries about me and Sirio, you know... But it was actually nice to have you around, Sirio in particular was so happy!

Toq: ...

Cassy: Also, I was thinking that, maybe, you could pass again from our place when you have some time. If you want to, I mean.

Toq: (surprised) Really?

Cassy: I mean, why not? Sirio has still a ton of questions for you, and I actually have a few things I would still like to clarify as well.

Toq: I see.

It's so hard to understand what he's thinking sometimes, in certain moments I wish I could read his mind the way he does with us... I mean, was I doing the right thing by giving him again so much trust?

Still unsure about what to do, at that moment I was only able to say goodbye to him.

Cassy: Well, bye then. See you.

Toq: Goodbye, Cassiopeia. 

He left with a small smile on his face, maybe he enjoyed the day as well, after all... Bah, why this whole situation needs to be so complicated to understand?

Next Chapter --> 

Chapter Extra: The other point of view (Part II)

<-- Previous Chapter

From Toq's diary

I spent several hours sitting alone on some bench, waiting for the messy whirling of thoughts in my head to calm down enough to let me think clearly again. 

A few hours earlier I had left my assigned room with the intention of telling Cassiopeia about all the doubts and contradictions appearing day after day in my mind. New emotions were emerging more quickly than how I could elaborate on them, I needed more time to give them a meaning before being overwhelmed by them, that is what I wanted to tell her. 

What she told me instead really managed to make me surpass a line. I could sense emotions in her with an intensity I rarely perceived before, she was worried about what she was about to tell me, unsure about her future, hopeful to convince me to live with me like an earthling family, whatever this means in the practice, and many other emotions I was not able to assign to any word, either in my native language or my local one. And all those emotions triggered a cascade of other ones within my mind: at first I felt confused about what she meant, then scared when I realised to be absolutely clueless about all the hypothetic imagines I could see in her mind, and then anguished when I noticed how my lack of an answer was just making her feeling even worse, and many, many other ones I was never able to really define. 

Those were too many emotions, all at once, so many I could barely process any other sensorial signal received by my brain at that moment. My head hurt more and more, my vision became blurry, and my hearing muffled. I am not sure whether she said anything or not, or what her expression looked like, all I remember is that I needed to go away from there.

I wandered around for a while, waiting for the chaos in my mind could calm down a bit. I needed a bit of telepathic silence, I needed to remain alone for a while. Eventually, however, I could not do much other than returning back to my assigned lodgement.

The others were still discussing work when I entered the room. I would have rather teleported to my personal room and avoided any contact with them, but I was also very aware that it would have been basically impossible. In any case they had already sensed my presence and my state of mind, and they were all about to ask for explanations. As usually happened, eventually it was Arizhel to take the lead and give voice to those questions.

Arizhel: (tired) What did you do this time, Toq?

Toq: ...

I did not find suitable words for answering their question in a way they could understand, my mind was still working slower than usual. 

So I hesitated, and my hesitation gave Arizhel the time to reach me and start talking.

Arizhel: How much more do you want to insist on this behaviour before admitting that this is not meant for us? Look at yourself, this nonsense is reaching the point to affect your health and mental stability, all your vital parameters are so off right now!

Looking back at it, now that I am writing down a report of what happened, I admit Arizhel was not being particularly unreasonable. But at that moment I was not in the state to elaborate a rational answer myself. Thus, my eventual answer was:

Toq: Shut up, just leave me alone!

Everyone immediately turned towards me, speechless. That was the first time someone had the nerve to interrupt Arizhel, let alone with such a sentence.

At that point, only Antaan was the only person able to re-establish the order in the room, and so he did.

Antaan: Calm down, everyone. And you, Toq, follow me.

He then told me to sit down, and gave me a warm beverage to help me to calm down. He later told me it was a trick he saw on an old video record broadcasted by the local media system. It sort of worked, it was hard to remain mad when the person sitting in front of you was a friendly person offering you a sweet and warm beverage with a smiling face. 

Antaan: What happened to you, Toq?

Toq: I...

Antaan: Mental overload is dangerous, you should know it well. 

Toq: (confused) Wait, what are you talking about? I did not hav...

The beverage was probably having an effect, I could feel my brain calming down second after second. And, with that, I was quickly regaining my capacity to think clearly.

Of course that was an episode of mental overload, what else could have it been? I still remember well what I was instructed about back in the days, before I became the telepathy specialist of our crew. The number of neurons in our brains is very close to the one of humans, yet telepathic signals strongly increased the volume of sensorial information to be elaborated at every given moment. A sensorial excess could thus result in a depletion of oxygen within the cerebral tissues, resulting at first in a confusional state and then in permanent damage. When we lived on Sixam the members of the Elder's Council kept us under close check to avoid the occurrence of any similar event, but during long space exploration missions I witnessed a few very serious cases, not even as the telepathic specialist I was really able to help them.

What could have caused it, though? For sure the circumstances were very different from any past episode I could recall, but given the situation all I could think about was...

Toq: Do you think it was the emotions I felt to cause the overload?

Antaan: On the basis of what I can sense in your mind, it seems likely.

Toq: But...

Antaan: However, Toq, I really do not think you should think about it right now. Your body temperature is still largely exceeding the normal range, all you should do now is resting.

Toq: But...

Antaan: I know I should not give you orders anymore, but tonight I have to make an exception. Go to your assigned room and avoid any contact with others until tomorrow at this time. Is it clear?

Toq: Yes, sir.

I obeyed the order, I knew way too well I needed to give my neurons some rest. Not to keep thinking about what happened earlier that day was almost impossible, though. Cassiopeia seemed so anguished when I left, I did not want her to feel that way for my fault. But the more I tried to think about it, the more I could feel the headache worsening and my thoughts return to the chaotic mess they were earlier that day. 

And then I had to force myself to stop thinking about it, I clearly had not recovered yet from the mental overload. Up to that moment I had been relatively lucky, I had never lost consciousness and I could not perceive any permanent damage in my mind, but I could not know with certainty what could have happened if I continued to insist on those same thoughts. 

I knew I needed to sleep, and so I did. 

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It took a few weeks before I could leave my room and interact with others. I still was not able to address the consequences of my last encounter with Cassiopeia, the related memories were still too vivid and any time I tried to elaborate on them I was again invested by the same amount of emotions I felt that night. 

Antaan proposed to erase those memories for me, that was the standard procedure after all, but I refused. I was not able to safely access those memories yet, but I did not want to dispose of them either. 

A big reason why those emotions were so overwhelming to me was that they were incomprehensible to me, resulting in a source of confusion, fear and other complex emotions I cannot define yet. It will take time, but I know I would be able to learn enough about this society and its people to eventually be able to face them, though. 

And I also knew this was not something I could do by remaining there, at the shared lodgement. During all those months they never really supported me, anyway, if I wanted to find my place in that city I had to distance myself from them. And so I did, by finding a new small apartment where to live on my own.

The only member of the crew I remained in touch with was Antaan, while my relationship with all the others deteriorated quickly.

It took me a few months to find a new job to cover for my rent and food expenses. I learnt how to execute several tasks on Sixam, and my old mindset kept reminding me that the most logical choice would have been to exploit my previous knowledge to contribute to the local society. Yet, none of those old tasks had ever really interested me.

Looking back with the awareness I had reached by then, I remembered that there was actually a lecture I found interesting: it was that time when we were shown how the teleport engine in our spaceship worked. However, I have never had any chance to dedicate any time to that activity before.

Teleport was returning to be a common technology in New Sixam, and many dedicated stores were present all over the place. Stepping into one of those stores and asking if they were willing to teach me was not that hard, after all.

The owner seemed a bit perplexed at first, but after a couple of lectures she proposed to hire me. Apparently, my knowledge of other Sixam technologies was useful also in this case.

The job at that local store was a great chance for me to get more accustomed to many local habits, and I also started to understand better how I could fit in it. 

That was also the time when I started to develop preferences: I knew clothes all served the same purpose, yet I noticed to prefer blue ones. All food is able to provide nourishment, but after trying several local dishes I found out to like spicy pizza. Paintings and music did not have any practical utility, nor did walking in nature or watching a sunset, yet I was learning to find serenity in them all.

Upon our arrival, we thought that none of these things was of any use. No energy and time should be wasted without aiming for a practical and tangible purpose, that is what we were taught. The society in which we were born and raised was on the verge of collapsing, for us it was the only way of surviving. Yet, by living with the earthlings in this more relaxed environment I am progressively learning that also immaterial and impractical things had their own value.

The driving force of the locals was their attempt to reach their personal fulfilment and happiness, which came in a lot of different forms. To this day I still do not fully understand many of them, but I also managed to have several interesting exchanges of opinion on the topic. 

And they also made me wonder: what should I do, to feel fulfilled myself?

I lived this way for a few years, exploring and investigating my surroundings, and often updating Antaan about my progress. He has been fundamental, I do not know what could have happened if he was not there listening to me. Thanks to him the image of the person I am was finally getting into focus, as if the lenses I used to interpret my surroundings were reaching the right distance and curvature to project a clear picture.

Antaan: Oh, so you learnt how to use rollerblades? Was it difficult?

Toq: Quite so, at first, but after a few attempts it becomes, how to say...

Antaan: Do not worry, take your time.

Toq: ... I think that the locals would use the word thrilling, that is it.

Still, to this day, I have never understood how Antaan could have adapted to the terrestrial way of thinking so quickly and serenely. We suspected this could be the consequence of one of the tasks he was assigned to earlier in his career, when he received the order to closely monitor the earthlings' habits by intercepting the radio signals their used for mass communication from the Moon's operative base. However, he has never confirmed any of our conjectures.

Antaan: I sense in your mind that you are still thinking about them. 

Toq: Well, of course I do. 

Antaan: Do not you think you could be ready to face those memories? It was a lot of years ago, and you are clearly more accustomed to those local dynamics than you used to, right now.

Toq: Well... Honestly, I think they could be doing better without my interference. The dynamics of what locals call families are still beyond me. 

Antaan: (Patient) I see...

Yes, by then I was able to face the past memories, what I did not feel ready for was to face Cassiopeia again, though.

The more I learnt about the locals' way of thinking and customs, the more I felt ashamed for what I did to her. I left her alone during the most vulnerable part of her life, she had all the right to hate me at that point. Not to speak about my absence during the growth of the kid, I learned way too late about the local social norms surrounding families, and how immoral my behaviour appeared to their eyes. 

No, the more I learned about how they could have experienced my actions, the more I was convinced that what I did was beyond repair. 

Antaan kept posing to me that question periodically for a long time, but I remained adamant on my answer. Or, at least, I did until when Venus and Steve faced me along the way to the grocery store. 

Venus is nothing like Cassiopeia. Actually, there is something in her way of being so aggressively defensive of what she cares about that reminds me of Arizhel. 

She was so angry at me, what I perceived from her was the most concentrated hatred I had ever felt from anyone around me, even worse than from those who call me "squid head". However, after arguing a bit with Steve, they decided to bring me to their place. 

Would my mind have been able to handle such an encounter, I wondered? Not that I really had a choice at that point, Venus was already dragging me to their place at that point. 

From what I could see in their thoughts, they mainly wanted me to admit in front of Cassiopeia how big of an idiot I was. However, there was also something else in their thoughts, something like a very small possibility that Cassiopeia could have actually wanted to talk with me another time, or that the child could have wanted to meet me in person. That helped me to calm down a bit before walking through that door and facing her again.

Seeing Cassiopeia again after so much time hit me even harder than I anticipated, but meeting Sirio was just mindblowing. 

Parenthood was one of the aspects of the local customs I initially found the hardest to understand. On Sixam, children were born with the aid of genetic engineering and dedicated devices, and every adult was involved in their care and education. I was assigned to work at the nursery a couple of times, so I technically know how to take care of infants, yet our system did not fathom any kind of preferential interactions with specific children sharing half of our genetic makeup. 

In that very moment, instead, the thoughts swirling around his little head made me suddenly understand many of those words that earthlings used so often to describe the relationship with their children, and which I was never able to understand so clearly before. The world seemed so colourful through his eyes, I have never met any children like him before.

He looks a lot like Cassiopeia, apart from a few tiny tendrils on the head which he clearly inherited from me. He seemed curious just like her, and I think that he immediately understood who I was. In fact, the very moment he saw me he asked to be put on the ground, and then he reached me and started asking one question after the other.

I was astonished, his reaction was nothing like I had imagined it. I could clearly perceive that he had always wondered about where I had been hiding for all that time, but he did not seem mad at me. On the contrary, he spontaneously trusted me from the very moment he saw me, and seemed elated at the idea of finally meeting me in person. And he clearly did not want me to leave, either.

It was hard to explain my feelings about that meeting at that moment. However, if there was one thing I was sure about, it was that I did not want to continue disappointing him.

Cassy: (accusatory) I think you really have a lot to explain to me...

If meeting Sirio had been a surprising revelation, confronting Cassiopeia remained a quite scary perspective. But I did not want to run away again, my mind was clear enough to sustain a confrontation this time. So I prepared to put order into my thoughts, preparing myself to convey them to the best of my ability.

I did not expect her forgiveness, not after all that time, but I think she did at the very least deserve to know what happened.

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