From Toq's diary
Cassy: (accusatory) I think you really have a lot to explain to me...
She was mad at me for having left them, but also for never having given her any explanation. I clearly could not remedy the first point, but I could at least still try to help her understand what happened to me. I did not expect it to be sufficient for obtaining her forgiveness, but I also believed she deserved to know.
I am glad she decided to resort to telepathy, it made things so much easier for me. Her execution was a bit rought, so I tried to order the thoughts in the foreground of my mind to make it easier for her to navigate through them.
By seeing the events of my life for the previous few years, I think she understood what made me take certain choices, at least in part. At the same time, she also managed to navigate through a surprising amount of emotional information, the same I struggled to understand for so long.
She actually appeared to be shaken and worried about what she saw in my mind, but also puzzled by many of the choices I took. She was very hesitant about what to do, but the clearest thing I could sense from her was the fear to make another mistake.
This is why I was so surprised when she asked me to go visit them again, to participate in the birthday party of little Sirio.
Did she really want me to spend any more time with them? Did it mean that she trusted me enough to at least allow me to spend some time with Sirio?
I was very unsure about what to do, and I politely said goodbye and immediately left to search for Antaan's advice.
Antaan: (Yawning) Toq, did something happen? Your parameters are fluctuating.
Toq: I am sorry for showing up so late, but I really need to talk with you.
Antaan: I see.
Saying so, he examined me for a few more moments and then went to the kitchen to brew some tea. He really seems to like it, maybe I should bring him some the next time.
Antaan: It sounds like they could be more open towards you than you expected, despite the circumstances.
Toq: Indeed. Yet, I am unsure of what I should do now. I still struggle to understand many of their customs and I still have many questions, what if I do something wrong again?
Antaan: You clearly would like to spend some more time with them, just be honest. They cannot easily access your thoughts, they do not have a way to really understand you unless you try to explain it to them with words.
Toq: But... What if this was too much for my mind to sustain, instead?
Antaan: Well, this is up to you, to evaluate whether you can be able to handle it or not... You know the nuances of mental overload way better than I do, after all.
Toq: ...
Antaan: Do not you think to have improved in your ability to handle human emotions, though?
Toq: (thoughtfully) ... Well, probably. At least a little bit.
Antaan was clearly thinking I was overreacting a bit, and while sitting there with a cup of tea I was starting to think he was not wrong, either. So I tried to take a deep breath to calm down a bit. I could not know what would have happened if I tried to spend more time with them, but I had a quite clear idea of what would have happened if I did not. And I did not like that alternative.
As for the mental overload instead, I could not know with precision how large the probability of it happening again could be. However, judging by how quickly I managed to calm down that evening, I thought I have a decent chance to be able to maintain control over it.
Regained my composure, I was then able to say:
Toq: Thanks, Antaan, and sorry again for showing up so late. I hope to have not woken up the others, either.
Antaan: My pleasure. And no worry about the others, they all moved out at some point.
Seeing my perplexed expression and even more astonished thoughts, he then added:
Antaan: Yes, Arizhel left too. A couple of months ago, actually. Everyone is finding their way here in New Sixam and settling up, in one way or another.
Toq: I see...
I was so curious to ask him more, but I could see in his mind that he would not have answered me at least as clearly as he could see the questions lingering in mine. So I limited myself to thank him again, before leaving.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Eventually, I really decided to return to visit Cassiopeia and Sirio, and again and again. Even though it was not easy at all, at least not at first.
The thoughts I could perceive from them were so contradictory, I did not know how to behave.
Venus's thoughts were so loud I could perceive them from the very moment I stepped into their house, she was so hostile towards me. Every time I tried to do something, even just sitting on one of their chairs, I could clearly see her disapproval and desire to tell me the list of all the things I was doing wrong. It was undoubtedly quite stressful.
Cassiopeia, on the other hand, tried to appear welcoming, but I could clearly sense all the doubts and worries swirling around her mind as she tried to interpret my behaviour and her thoughts.
I thus often hesitated next to the front door for long instants, unsure about what to do. I did not live in that lodgement, which would have made me their guest, but at the same time I was not really on good terms with either Cassiopeia or Venus, and I was also one of Sirio's parents and this would have attributed me several responsibilities towards him. The overlap of roles can be so intricate in this world, I did not know what was appropriate for me to do. Honestly, a few times the thoughts I was receiving were almost sufficient to convince me to turn away and leave. But that was when Sirio usually appeared from his assigned room, holding some toy and with a huge smile on his face.
He was clearly happy to be spending time with me, he did not care whether it was just for chatting or playing some game. His happiness was very contagious and quickly lightened the mood in the whole room, and if my presence was making him that happy what I was doing could not be totally wrong, is not it?
Sirio: Hey Toq, why are you so tired today?
Toq: It has been a long day at work, more customers than usual showed up for an urgent reparation of their device. I see you went to the swimming pool instead, is it why you are tired?
Sirio: (yawling) I'm not tired! But yes, we went to the swimming pool, and...
Talking about Sirio, it is impossible not to mention his telepathy. Looking at his tendrils I was expecting it to be more developed than that of the average inhabitant of New Sixam, but it took me some time to understand how it manifests. Apparently, Sirio is very good at catching the emotions of people around him, but at the same time he is not able to casually sense their complete thoughts. On the one hand I think he has been lucky, thoughts coming from other people can be quite terrible sometimes, but on the other this seems to cause some confusion in him by time to time.
Sirio: (perplexed) At the swimming pool, there was this lady who seemed so sad. I mean, very very sad! So I tried to ask her what happened, but then she got mad at me! But I didn't do anything bad, isn't it?
Toq: Well...
It took me some time to understand it, Sirio's point of view was different from anyone else. Even if he grew up in this town, his way of perceiving his surroundings was still significantly different from the one of his peers. And, for him, it was not always easy to understand what to expect from others.
Toq: (thoughtful) You know that most other people cannot sense sadness the way we do, right?
Sirio: Like mum?
Toq: Yes, like Cassiopeia. However, unlike her, many people do not appreciate it when their emotions are called out.
Sirio: But why not?
Toq: Ehm...
Sometimes his questions were very difficult to answer. It took me a long time to understand it myself. However, if I found the right words I could have avoided Sirio those same struggles.
Toq: ... For most local people, the mind is a safe place where to keep hidden all those thoughts they do not want to share with others. So, when you comment about their emotions, they feel a bit as if you were stepping into a room with a "keep out" sign on it.
Sirio: Um, that's weird. Was it much different on Sixam, instead?
Toq: Ehm... Actually, this may be an even more complex question...
He is just as curious as Cassiopeia, that is for sure.
Talking about Cassiopeia, she probably was the one who surprised me the most. I could clearly perceive how conflicted she was because of my presence, she was unsure about whether to trust me again and at the same time puzzled about why Sirio seemed to get along with me so easily.
However, instead of keeping her perplexities to herself, she soon decided to act on her doubts. And so she started to make a lot of questions, both to me and to Sirio. Probably I should not have been so surprised, it is just so much like her, after all. Yet, she is the only person I know who ever tried to face the communication gap with us ancient sixamians in this way.
She learnt a lot about me by reading my mind, but she still had so many questions to ask. And she was always glad to answer my questions as well. It took us a while but, question after question, understanding each other became easier and easier. I did not have to pretend not to know her thoughts when talking, and she is not afraid to make questions about anything that passes through her mind. It was an uncommon communication method both for the New Sixam and Sixam's standards, yet she was fine with it, and I found it refreshing as well.
Cassy: Actually, I was wondering... Do I really need to say everything out loud, or would you know by reading my mind anyway?
Toq: Well, it depends. Thoughts often are way more chaotic than words are.
Cassy: I see...
Most locals expect me to learn their habits and to mimic their behaviour, and they would also be mad at me when I made any small mistake, but not her. Even when I was adopting a behaviour that locals could have considered bizarre, she was fine with it as long as she knew where that behaviour came from. The more she learnt about me the more serene she appeared. And the same also applied to me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Time had passed, it was years since when I started to visit Cassiopeia and Sirio's place. I am happy with them, and the part of the day I am spending with them at this point became the part of the day I am looking towards the most.
Cassy: Well, see you at dinnertime then. Have fun!
Sirio: Good luck at work, mom!
Sirio: Your house is so small, Toq, are you sure you're doing well here?
Toq: There is all I need, and I do not own enough objects to fill a larger surface anyway.
Sirio: But there is barely space for my drawings in here!
Toq: There are still a few walls to use, not...
Sirio: Why don't you just come to live with us, Toq?
Toq: W-what?
Sirio: Why not? I know you're happy when you're at our place, and also mom is. Probably aunt Venus would be grumpy for a while, but I'm sure I can convince her. Please!
Toq: ... I am sorry, Sirio, but I am afraid it is not that simple...
Sirio: But why?
Toq: ...
It was not simple, not at all. As Sirio managed to spot, staying with him and Cassiopeia gave me great joy, egoistically I started to consider the idea of living with them as a very good perspective. Was it really the right thing to do, though?
After so much time, I had managed to regain their acceptance, and I already considered it as a great achievement. However, I could still perceive so many doubts in Cassiopeia's mind, too many to make me think it may have been a good idea to face the topic with her. We had just strenuously reached an equilibrium which I did not want to perturb, and which she seemed to want to preserve as well.
I wanted them to be happy, and to contribute to their well-being. And I believed that the best thing I could do was to keep those thoughts to myself. And so I did, as long as the topic did not emerge on its own.
I was so astonished when, eventually, I started to sense the same sentiments I felt within me re-emerging also in her. The more time passed the clearer her thoughts were, it was just like the first time. Apart from the fact that, this time, I could clearly understand what was going on. Or I should say, we were understanding it.
I have met countless people over these years, yet no one ever was even remotely close to her. She is curious, smart, fun... What goes on within her mind always has something mesmerising to me.
And all I could sense from her mind that night was saying: "change". Our relationship was about to change again, but this time I did not feel scared. What was that word to describe that swirl in the stomach again... thrilled, this is how I felt. And so did she.
I passed through a lot of struggles to understand the person I really am. A long sequence of unlikely events brought me to this place at time, and for most of that time I was not even in control of what was happening to me. I try to avoid thinking too much about it, because it can become overwhelming.
I learnt the hard way that life is like a journey, and that we cannot always decide our destination. However, now I do not have to follow orders anymore, I can at least choose what to prioritize in my life. I do not want to save our species like Arizhel does, nor I want to keep being an observer of the New Sixam society the way Antaan is. I am not aware that what I want is to pursue my own happiness and the ones of the people who matter the most to me, and for the first time I can say to be absolutely certain about which crew I want to travel with for the time being.
No comments:
Post a Comment