From Cassy's diary
Techna: What are we preparing for breakfast?
Cassy: I was thinking about pancakes.
Techna: I'm downloading the recipe, then.
Venus: Is Toq returning back again today? Just to know how much food to prepare, you know.
Cassy: Well, recently he's coming every day, so I think it's likely, yes.
As time passes, Venus is talking less and less about Toq, but when she does I can still hear a quite annoyed tone in her voice.
Venus: Do you plan to go on like this forever?
Cassy: (perplexed) What do you mean?
Venus: I mean, he's been behaving like a guest for quite some time now. If he plans to keep stopping for dinner, he could help us with the cooking, for example.
Cassy: Well, it's not like I'm cooking at his place when I bring Sirio to his place either. It's quite uncommon to do chores at someone else's house, isn't it?
Venus: Well, that's true, but it's also true that he's spending here way more time than... Techna, are you all right?
Techna: The viscosity parameters for this admixture memorised in my database were inaccurate, I will need to recalculate them.
The more the weeks went by, the more we were giving Toq's presence for granted. At this point he spends all his afternoons with us, and Sirio couldn't be happier.
Halley: Sirio, did I already say that you hug people way too often?
Sirio: Just a couple of times.
Cassy: (Jokingly) Well, if that customer keeps making fun of you, can't you just stare at him with the most serious face you're capable of?
Toq: Wait, in that way he would just be scared of m... Oh, I see, that was the point.
Cassy: Don't worry, everyone always tell me I have a weird sense of humor, no one ever gets my jokes.
Cassy: But seriously, it's not your fault if he behaves like an idiot. Why not return the joke, then?
Toq: I see.
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Time passes, and the personality and interests of the kids are more and more evident day after day.
Halley: Hey, what are you doing?
Sirio: Maths, we are studying fractions.
Halley: And what are fractions?
Sirio: Ehm, it's a bit complicated... But in a couple of years you will study it too!
Halley: But that's unfair, times tables are so boring!
Toq: Good morning Sirio, Halley.
Halley: Hi Uncle Toq!
Sirio: Hello Toq! You arrived just on time, I really wanted to ask you something, and also to mom!
Toq: Oh.
Sirio: I heard that the art gallery is free on Sundays, can we go and look at the real paintings tomorrow? Please!
Toq: (surprised) Do you really want to go to the art gallery?
Sirio: Yes! You know where it is, don't you?
Toq: (vague) Yes, I think I have been there a couple of times already.
Sirio kept talking about the art exhibition all day long, it was really impossible for us to say no.
Sirio: Our art teacher said it's gonna be a beautiful exhibition, they have also borrowed a few more paintings from a museum in another town, and there will also be a stand where to try to paint by ourselves, and...
I was considering to involve Sirio in some art-related activity for a while, he really loves drawing and it really seems right for him. I didn't have in mind anything to propose though, and Sirio's idea arrived just on time.
Eventually, the three of us went together. In these situations we always draw attention in a way that is quite uncomfortable (and if I can perceive it, I can't imagine how bad it may be for Toq and Sirio), but I did my best to ignore the looks of others and focus on having a fun afternoon together.
Sirio: Why this painting was left here, and it's not on a wall like the others? It's not finished yet?
Cassy: Um... maybe. Or maybe they decided to display it like this. Looking better at it, the lighting in this spot is quite nice, isn't it?
Sirio stared at the painting with a very focused expression for a while, before saying:
Sirio: Ah, here it is! The paint in here isn't dry yet, you see?
Cassy: Oh, I hadn't noticed that.
Toq: ...
Sirio: And look at this one, it's so cool!
Cassy: This one looks new to me, I'm pretty sure it wasn't there the last time I was here. Isn't it, Toq?
Toq: I think it is new too, if I am not wrong this spot used to be occupied by the painting of a waterfall.
Cassy: Yeah, that's right, I remember it now!
Sirio: So you had already been here?
Cassy: (vague) A couple of times, if I'm not wrong.
Sirio had resisted in front of that painting for a few more moments, before running to look at the next one. He just couldn't stand still, it was evident to everyone.
Sirio: But this is beautiful! Don't you agree?
Toq: (thoughtfully) I do not think I have figured out what it represents yet.
Cassy: Well, evidently there is a girl who is talking to... ehm...
Sirio: Come on, it's easy!
Toq: Um?
Sirio: Yes! The old man also looks a bit like a tree, don't you see it? He represents nature, it's like a metaphor, isn't it?
Cassy: Have you already studied metaphors in school?
Sirio: Just a few ones.
He then stared at us for a few other moments, with the same expression he used to examine the paintings in the exhibition, before commenting:
Sirio: By the way, you both look very happy today!
Then, ignoring the perplexed faces of the other people who were visiting the art gallery, he ran to the next painting. At that point, he had already seen most of the exhibition.
Cassy: ... I think he already knows more about this stuff than we do.
Toq: This seems evident.
Having said that I almost burst out laughing, and Toq was obviously smiling too. We already had many memories from our old visits to that same art gallery, but today's visit with Sirio was undoubtedly the funniest memory of all.
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We returned back home a few hours later, after stopping at a diner for eating something.
Venus: So, how was the exhibition?
Cassy: If you want a complete answer, ask Sirio. He has seen every single painting in the whole exhibition, twice!
Toq: ...
I'm sure Toq was about to say goodbye and return to his apartment, as he usually did around that time, but he was interrupted by someone suddenly knocking on our door.
Knock knock!
We all turned towards the door, surprised. We weren't expecting any visitor, after all.
Cassy: (perplexed) Come in!
Arizhel: I was sure to find you here Toq, at this point you are spending more time in this house than in yours.
Toq: ...
Toq, who was probably the first one to sense her presence behind the door, didn't say a word. Yet, his hostility towards her was evident to everyone. I'd never heard him talk about his relationship with any other ancient sixamian, but at that moment it seemed quite obvious they couldn't be on good terms.
I can't say I'm surprised, either. Arizhel is the spokesperson of the ancient sixamians at the space command centre, and I've yet to meet someone who can get along with her. Thinking about it, she hasn't shown up at our offices for a while, and I can't say we were exactly missing her either.
Toq: (serious) What brings you here?
Arizhel: We have just finished plotting the path for the next mission, we have identified a good route for the extraction of lithium, neodymium and yttrium. The mission will depart tomorrow morning at dawn, but we need a full crew to maximize the chances of success.
Toq almost always looked calm and impassive, but at that moment he was looking at her with a very menacing expression. At that point, I was really starting to suspect that they weren't just in bad terms, but that they could have really hated each other.
Toq: (altered) As I have told you already, I have no intention to participate in any other space travel mission!
Arizhel: This is a real mission plan, how could you dismiss it without any prior analysis? Not even you can deny that this is the most efficient option we have. You, unlike the earthlings, have undergone the necessary training, a simple job as a shop assistant for you is a mere waste of resources and...
Toq: As I told you already, I will not return to space ever again.
Arizhel: According to the local laws, I cannot force you to join the expedition. I still do not understand how you may still behaving so irrationally, and selfishly as well.
Toq: I repeat it, your opinion does not interest me.
Usually Toq always pauses to think before giving an answer to any question, but this time he answered without any hesitation, with conviction. I'm sure he had already thought a lot about that possibility, to then make his own decisions.
Meanwhile Arizhel had shaken his head in disappointment, and she had gone away without even saying goodbye.
Venus: (perplexed) Ehm... I don't think I really understood what happened... Was that an argument between squid heads?
Cassy: I haven't understood much either... By the way, that's not a very nice way of addressing them, you know?
Venus: Okay, okay, fair enough...
In the meanwhile, Toq seemed quite upset by that encounter, and was hesitating next to the entrance door. Most likely he was about to say goodbye and leave, his usual departure time had passed already at that point. Yet, I couldn't just ignore what had just happened either, not without asking him the few tens of questions I had in mind at that point. So I couldn't help but ask him:
Cassy: Wait, can I come with you.
Toq: Oh. Okay, as you want.
Cassy: So they intend to leave for a series of long space exploration missions...
Toq: Yes, and by long I mean very long. Most likely, it will take years before they find those resources, the path they draw only contains the asteroids for which they have calculated a higher probability of finding what they are looking for, but the probability of actually finding them still remains very low.
Cassy: Was that how you guys worked, before you came to Earth and all?
Toq: Yes. But I am not going back to that life, Cassiopeia.
Cassy: Oh, I got that. Loud and clear!
Having said that Toq looked away, without saying anything. Most people think he always has the same expression, but by now I think I've learned to decipher it. He was reflecting on something he found troublesome.
Cassy: What worries you?
Toq: ...
Cassy: After what you said I don't think Arizhel will come back anytime soon, so...
Toq: No, that is not what I was thinking about.
Cassy: What else, then?
We'd come close to a bench, and we both knew we'd be talking for quite a while. We always talk for quite a while, actually. Therefore, stopping there and sitting somewhere comfortable seemed like an obvious choice.
Toq: Recently I have been sensing a lot of contradictory thoughts in others, I just need some to elaborate on them.
Cassy: By "others", do you mean us?
Toq: Well...
Cassy: C'mon, you know that I'll make you spit it out!
Toq: Okay, okay, that is enough, I am telling you!
It took him a few moments before starting to talk. He was hesitating as he often did before explaining something complex and, if possible, he also seemed to be quite embarrassed about what he was about to say.
Toq: Well, actually, that is exactly the kind of thoughts I was talking about. It is just like the first time.
Cassy: Um?
Toq: I mean, lately the pattern in your thoughts is reminiscent of what you used to think about me back when, you know... when we were dating.
Cassy: W-what?
Toq: (hesitating) Um. Actually, today it was particularly clear. But I can also sense the doubts and the concerns in your mind, and I also remember well what happened in the past... And I do not want to risk making you suffer in that way again, Cassiopeia.
I didn't expect him to notice, those thoughts were so confusing and contradictory also to me. But he was right, I couldn't deny having thought about it again lately. And, every time, I just tried to ignore those thoughts, pushing them away to a place where I wasn't obliged to face them.
Cassy: Well, yes, that's right. And it's complicated, too.
Toq: ...
It wasn't easy to talk about it, that was probably the most embarrassing conversation I've ever had. But if we were both thinking about it, it didn't make any sense to ignore the topic any longer, either.
How could I still have so many doubts about him, I wondered? I mean, after spending so much time together, it should have been clear whether I wanted to have a relationship with him or not.
Yes, thinking about when he abandoned us still hurts, and I don't think that this memory will ever fade away completely. However, if it wasn't for all the people who took any chance to constantly remind me about the past, I probably wouldn't think about it as often anymore. But how can I ignore those comments, when even my sister brings them up so often?
In many ways Toq had remained as when I first met him, he is honest and good, and he continued to have his unique way of seeing the world that made even the banalest things seem interesting. That is actually why I liked him so much, back when we met. On the other hand, all those years spent living in New Sixam helped him to resolve many of the doubts that tormented him at the time, nowadays he understands our habits and also himself much better than he used to. I do know him better than all those people who tell me to be aware of him, I know better if I can trust him or not.
Cassy: Toq, I'm afraid that for you this is even more confusing, with your telepathy you're probably sensing a lot of contradictory thoughts around you, isn't it?
Toq: ... Quite so.
Cassy: ... And I would also guess that interpreting what is in my mind can't be easy. I mean, not even I find it easy. Maybe I should try to summarise it in a clearer way, isn't it?
Toq: ...
It wasn't easy to find the right words, not at all. But this really was one of those topics where we needed to find a direct way of communicating.
Cassy: Well, sometimes I still have doubts, but... But you have to know that, by now, the first thing I see when thinking about you is you playing with Sirio, or playing chess with me, or doing a good job at the store downtown. I think of you as a part of our family, and I trust you, Toq. And then... Well, the rest could actually be clearer if you read my mind right now than if I tried to explain it out loud.
Arrived at that point he seemed to be struggling to find the words for answering me, but at the same time he was starting to glow slightly in quite an unequivocal manner.
Cassy: Actually, I don't think it would be that crazy to give it another try. Also, considering all the time you spend with us, I would not even find it crazy if you wanted to move in with us. So... what do you think about it, Toq?
Toq: C-Cassiopeia, I...
He was struggling with finding the right words, and instead he just decided to hold me tightly in a warm hug.
Toq: (whispering) I think you are a very special person.
I'm not the girl I used to be anymore, I don't want to jump into a relationship without even thinking about it first. But now I think I've started to understand better what has gone wrong in the past, in hindsight I find it evident that we rushed into that relationship even though we weren't quite ready for it yet. But the situation now has changed massively, I think that now we may be able to find a way of handling the situation that suits us both.
Many say that giving a second chance to a story that ended badly is crazy, that it can never work again.
But deep down every story is different, as are people.
This is an important choice for our life, so many things can change now, and so many people will be ready to judge us. But the choice is ours, and no one else's.
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§HermioneSims§ corner
There would be a lot to say about this chapter... For the moment, however, I would just like to underline that the tickling scene was their idea, not mine.
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