Chapter 6.7: To admit or not to admit your own mistakes, this is the question...

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From Sirio's diary

Sophia: Hey Techna, is Sirio late?

Techna: This morning he really didn't want to get out of bed, but he promised he would have teleported here just after breakfast. 

Halley: Is he really this lazy? We haven't spent time together for so long!

Sirio: (appearing) Hi everyone! I know I'm late, sorry...

Halley: Oh, here you are finally!

Sophia: Sleepyhead, sleepyhead!

Sirio: … Techna, what exactly did you tell them?

Techna: I reported about you being late because you overslept. It's the truth, isn't it?

Sirio: (yawning) Ahm, actually...

Techna: Since when he lives in Sim City he's always up until late painting, that's why it's impossible to convince him to do anything in the morning earlier than...

Sirio: What if we went into the house, instead of losing time here?

Cassy: (happy) Sirio, welcome back!

Sirio: Hi, mom!

Cassy: I'm so curious, how are you doing in Sim City? Are you doing well?

Techna: He already has a crush on a girl he met.

Sirio: T-Techna!

Cassy: Ah, I see! 

Sirio: I-I mean, I would not say that, it's just that...

Cassy: (amused) Here at home we have always talked about anything, don't think to avoid the topic easily!

Sirio: …

I wasn't able to answer and remained silent for way more time than anyone would consider normal. I mean, Techna could have avoided bringing out that topic in the first sentence they told mom, yet that topic was so much more complicated than this... And my doubts had to be quite evident to mom too, as she suddenly seemed to worry and asked me:

Cassy: Wait, did something bad happen? Is that why you don't want to talk about it?

Sirio: … I think I screwed up, that's what.

What mom said is absolutely true. I, she and Toq always ended up telling each other everything, much more than any other family I know. 

But it's also true that I've never had to tell anything like that, I have such a mess in my head…

Cassy: (encouraging) C'mon, nobody else can hear us here. What happened to make you say "I screwed up"?

Sirio: Well…

I told her the whole story, from when I arrived in Sim City until this morning. Most importantly, I told her about my bad idea to use a disguise again, and all the things that happened with Maki that I still don't understand at all, and about that guy that Techna electrocuted, and… I had so many things to say, all tangled together, and as usual when I'm worried about something my sentences overlapped, becoming almost incomprehensible. But mom learnt how to not get lost during my endless explanations long ago, I was sure she would have understood what I meant. 

Sirio: … and that's it.

Cassy: Wow, what a big mess!

Sirio: What do you think I should do?

Cassy: (thoughtful) It's... complicated. And the fact that you were wearing a disguise makes it even worse. New Sixam's relations with Sim City are already very difficult, we surely don't need such news to leak out...

Sirio: I know. And I really don't want to have to erase someone's memory again, so...

Cassy: Again? What do you mean by again?

Sirio: Um…

Cassy: So during that trip to the mountains you guys also wiped some memories? I missed this detail, Toq never told me!

Sirio: What? So did you already know about that trip?

I shouldn't be surprised, after all it has always been very difficult to keep any secrets in this house... At least she doesn't seem mad.

Cassy: Going back to what you did in Sim City, objectively I think that the safest choice would be to immediately stop using that disguise and pretend that none of this ever happened.

Sirio: I know, also Techna keeps repeating it.

Cassy: But, I also know that you're not capable of pretending nothing ever happened, are you?

Sirio: …

Cassy: In case, probably, the best choice would be to simply tell the truth. And hope that everything goes well.

I thought about it for a few more moments, which was quite pointless considering that I had been thinking about that very topic for weeks already. Like it or not, I had to admit I always reached that same solution as well. But was I really brave enough to do it? Or would I have chosen the easiest path?

In those weeks Maki had often asked me to go back to the art gallery to let me paint, she seemed really determined to exhibit some of my paintings at the next exhibition. We talked a lot, mostly about art but not just that, and even if being around her was still very confusing for me I was sure I really cared about her. 

I didn't mind about any other person I met since when I moved to the big city, but I really didn't want to suddenly disappear without giving her a single explanation. 

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The trip to New Sixam was over in no time, and we returned back to our little apartment in Sim City in the blink of an eye.

Techna: Where did Sirio go? I hope he's not at the art gallery again!

Maki: You see, Simon, on my blog I've written quite a few reviews of exhibitions and paintings of all kinds, and I have quite a lot of readers as well! I think that, if you want to make a name as a painter, being featured in one of my articles could be a good starting point!

Sirio: Well… I'll think about it, then.

Advertising me under the name of Simon Mills seemed like a very bad idea. It would only drag me even deeper into the mess I've gotten myself into, while what I should be focusing on should be finding a way to get out of this situation.

The only way to reconcile everything would be to tell her the truth, admitting that I had been deceiving her all along. But what is the right time for such a confession? Should I just tell her: “Hey, look, this was just a disguise, in reality, I'm a blue Sixamian with a squid head. Surprise!" No, I have to find a better idea... Also because I really don't want it to end badly, what I fear the most is having to use my telepathy to make her forget about me. 

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Keeping hanging around the art gallery, still unsure about what to do, it was quite inevitable to eventually meet Maki's daughter, Lily. She often brings her here for a few hours after picking her up in kindergarten, and a couple of times I was also asked to look after her for a couple of times.

Maki: Could you look after her for ten minutes? There are some problems upstairs with the painting room, I was asked to take care of it, but...

Sirio: Okay,  no problem. Don't worry. 

Maki: I swear I'll be back as soon as I can!

Maki isn't the kind of person who likes to ask favours, in those instances I clearly sense the way she dangerously approaches the edge of feeling overloaded. She often said that her parents are often helping her, yet I would bet that being a single mom working full time can't be easy.

Lily: I want cake!

Sirio: Are you really sure? It's almost dinner time already!

Maki: (heading upstairs) Good luck!

Objectively, Lily has quite a temper. She throws tantrums often, and she puts her feet down if she doesn't get what she wants right away. But it's also true that children are particularly simple to interpret for me, they always experience very simple and distinct emotions. For example, at that moment Lily was just bored, all I needed to do was to find something to distract her for a while.

Lily: (whining) No!

Sirio: Why don't we start drawing something instead? Do you have a favourite animal?

Lily: Unicorns!

Sirio: Let's draw unicorns then!

Lily had mumbled some more protests, but after she'd scribbled three sheets of my sketchpad she'd completely forgotten about the cake, the tantrums and everything else. We were having so much fun to not even notice Maki walking down the stairs, so much so that we were caught off guard when she said:

Maki: Hey, how many beautiful drawings, Lily!

Lily: Unicorns!

Maki: (whispering) Thank you, Simon.

Lily looked even more confident than before after her mom had returned within her field of view, and she immediately started to wander around the room. Maki, always keeping the corner of an eye on her, then added:

Maki: I know she's a bit… stubborn sometimes. I'm afraid she may be behaving this way because she misses her dad.

She was really sad as she said it, and I had the impression that with those words she was also putting in doubt her past choices. As if to confirm my suspicion, she continued the conversation by saying:

Maki: Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier for her, and for me too, if I hadn't divorced and if we remained a family like all others.

Maki probably didn't expect me to react in any way after hearing that statement, but I was genuinely concerned for her at that moment. I just couldn't help but remember what I'd perceived from Hotaru the only time I'd seen him. He was full of anger, and of desire for possession. What I really couldn't catch from him was any affection for either Maki or Lily, and that he was only so furious because he had lost people who he considered as his property until recently. With these thoughts in my mind, I could only feel a strong sense of horror hearing Maki's words. 

Probably she said those words just to vent a bit, she didn't really want to hear my opinion on the matter. Yet what I thought was probably so obvious to make it possible to read it right from my expression. And this made her regret the choice to tell me that confidence quite quickly.

Maki: Hey, what's that face? You don't know me, or Hotaru, or what happened. It's none of your business, okay?

Sirio: I know, but...

Maki: But what?

The problem was quite the opposite, actually, I perceived way too well the intentions of all three of them. But the only way to explain it would have been to admit everything, really everything, right away.

Sirio: (uncertain) I think I may have something to say, actually. Important things.

Maki: Well, if you think it's so important, just spit it out!

Sirio: I can't explain it to you here, it's quite a secret, I…

After a long discussion, I somehow managed to convince her to come to my place after bringing Lily at her parents' place. I think that she mostly accepted because she was curious to learn about my secret and how it could be related to the argument we were having, but I also think that this means that she also trusts me quite a lot. 

Maki: So, Simon, can you tell me your unspeakable secret now?

Sirio: Well, I… I couldn't tell you in public because I… ehm… well…

I had to take a deep breath and collect all my courage, before being able to tell her:

Sirio: … the face I have now is just a disguise, actually I'm a sixamian.

Maki: (confused) What?

Sirio: Maybe it's easier to explain if I just put off this mask...

Maki: Ah! Are you one of those aliens?

She was quite shocked when she saw me removing my disguise, I was not surprised by this. However, I admit that I didn't like being called "one of those aliens", not at all.

As she recovered from the surprise, I started pouring everything I hadn't told her in weeks, about where I'm really from, why I had a disguise on and all. I'm not really good at keeping secrets.

Maki: Hey, you really talk a lot!

Sirio: Well…

Maki: So your name is Sirio Miller and you're… um… blue. Thinking about it, I had heard of an alien wandering around the art gallery with a robot… But it was so long ago that everyone has forgotten about it already. 

Sirio: ...

Maki: To be honest, the rumours about you weren't very nice, I can see why you wanted to put on another face to "blend in more easily", so to speak.

Sirio: I know I was breaking the law, this situation just went out of hand so quickly...

Maki: Don't worry, I won't report you. You've helped me too much during these weeks, I owe you one.

Sirio: … Thank you.

Maki: (perplexed) Was there anything else you wanted to tell me?

The more time passed, the more Maki seemed at ease talking with me, even if I was showing my real face. The rest of what I wanted to tell her wasn't easy either, but at least the part I was the most scared of worked out. I could do it.

Sirio: Well… You have to know that when, earlier, you spoke about Hotaru, Lily, and your family, your story reminded me a bit about how my family was, when I was a kid. 

Maki: Oh. Did your parents get divorced too?

Sirio: Quite the opposite, actually, it was a strange situation even for New Sixam…

So I told her everything I remembered about those years, from my first memories until when Toq finally decided to move in with us. And I also explained to her about the way my telepathy is stronger than that of other sixamians, and therefore how easy it is for me to perceive other people's emotions. As usual I said an avalanche of words, but in the end what really mattered was:

Sirio: … My parents were very different, it took them a long time before they learnt to really understand each other, and this kept them apart for years. But what I've always perceived is that they always loved and respected each other a lot, as they loved me, too. I've never had any doubts about this.

Maki: …

Sirio: What I perceive from Hotaru, you and Lily is very different, instead. Hotaru is full of anger because he doesn't accept to have lost you, but I haven't felt even a shred of love towards you from him. His reaction is purely selfish.

Maki: …

Was I being too direct? Toq always warned me about not pointing their emotions at people, saying that most of them wouldn't have appreciated it. However, this time I really thought that she deserved to know all this before taking any other choice, even if it meant that she would have gotten mad at me. 

Sirio: From you, on the other hand, I perceive many regrets about your past. I also feel that, deep down, you are afraid of him, and of what he might do. And I think none of those things would change if you decided to give him a second chance. It would just be like it was before.

Maki: That's not true, I'm not afraid of him! And…

Sirio: (interrupting her) I'm sorry, but I know you're lying, I clearly perceive that you are not fully convinced of what you are saying either. And continuing to repeat it certainly won't make it any more true.

At that point, as expected, Maki stood up and gave me a furious look, before walking away without saying another word.

That was the only time I ever saw that combination of colours around her, she was really resentful for what I said. I wouldn't be surprised if, after today, she decided not to speak to me ever again. I really hope not to have ruined everything, but even more so I hope that she will believe in what I said... 

Techna: Hey, what happened?

Probably Techna will have to wait before receiving an explanation this time, this conversation really left me exhausted... I really don't get it, how can I always pass from one mess to the other? 

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