Chapter 8.7: *Recalculation*

 <-- Previous chapter

From Rowan's diary

I don't clearly remember what happened afterwards. I'm quite sure Juno mumbled something along the lines: "What the heck am I doing?" before leaving, while I wandered quite a bit before calming down enough to think straight again. 

I don't feel like returning back to the dorm just yet. I have no idea about what to tell her right now, I can't show up like this. 

What am I supposed to think right now? That was nothing like when people try to hug me, even if it was so sudden and shocking that I wouldn't be able to describe it any better. 

Also, more importantly, why did Juno do that?  Does she actually have feelings for me? Or did this happen only because she's mad at Francis?

I don't know exactly for how long I laid on that river bank, but it was probably way too long. It was uncomfortably wet and muddy there, in insight I wouldn't say it wasn't a good idea to stay there. On the other hand, however, I don't feel like returning back to the dorm either. 

Probably I need someone's help, I really feel stuck now. But who could I ask to? 

My parents? No way, it would be so embarrassing, I couldn't even think about it... After excluding all other alternatives, I then opted for River who, among my cousins, ​​was the only one who wouldn't laugh at me. I think. So, a little hesitantly, the next morning I took my teleport machine and set the coordinates to Tech Sixam.

Rowan: Hi, am I bothering you?

Rick: Oh, hi. Don't you have class today?

Rowan: No, the new semester starts in a few days.

Rick: Um. Rather, what are you doing here?

Rowan: (embarrassed) Well... I'd like to ask River for advice on a certain subject. If I'm not bothering you, I mean.

Not-very-chatty Rick looked me up and down, it must have been quite obvious that I was troubled by something, and perhaps even though I hadn't slept at all the previous night. So he just waved me in while calling for River.

River: (worried) It's not like you to show up just for some chat, did something happen? Probably yes, look at your face... Is anything wrong?

For sure he wanted me to start explaining why I showed up without a warning, but I really didn't know where to start.

Well, probably there wasn't a right way to ask that question. So I just said what happened, hoping for the best.

River: (shocked) What, she seriously kissed you out of the blue?

Rowan: (nods)

Rick: Um...

Neither River nor Rick answered right away, I had no idea what they were thinking.

Rowan: (hesitantly) So... what do you think?

River: (jokingly) Rowan, Rowan, who could ever imagine you were that popular?

Rowan: Wait, what do you mean?

River: Don't worry, it was just a little joke. You see, we didn't expect to hear such a story from you!

Rick: (nods)

Rowan: It's not like I was expecting it either, I had no clue that Juno... (shakes his head) And now I have absolutely no idea what I should do!

River: (thoughtful) Let's see... Exactly, what did you say to each other after she kissed you?

Rowan: We basically just walked away, I haven't seen her since.

Rick: (startled) What? You really just left?

Wow, if I made even "Not-very-chatty" Rick snap, probably the situation was even worse than I imagined.

Rick: (whispering to River) How old are they, again?

River: C'mon, it happens to everyone to make a mess, right?

At least River must have realized how hard had it been for me to go to their place, because soon after he turned to me again, kindly, and said:

River: Rowan, it's fully understandable you feel uncomfortable about this story, really, but you should just talk to her. It doesn't matter if you reject her or whatever else you may want to say to her, but you need to set the record straight. That girl seems like a very sensitive person, if you wait any longer you risk losing this friendship.

Rowan: (dejected) I know we should talk, it's just that I have no idea about what to say...

Not-very-chatty Rick shook his head briefly, while River thought about what other suggestion to give me.

Between him and his sister, River has always been the most patient with me. This time was no exception, and in no time I saw him turn towards me with the same calm expression he used back when we were little, and he spent whole afternoons teaching me how to dive safely from a pier or climb a palm tree. 

River: Rowan, if you don't reciprocate there is no reason to think so hard about it. Just tell her. The two of you have a beautiful friendship, it would be a shame to ruin it due to a misunderstanding.

Rowan: ... Uh...

River: (perplexed) What's that face? You don't like her, right?

Rowan: (embarrassed) Well, I...

Until not long ago I wouldn't have hesitated to answer. I remember how, just yesterday, I was thinking how nice it was to have found my first real friend in her. Yet, the difference between friendship and romance still seems so subtle to me, and after what she did...

Damn it, why does all this stuff need to be so confusing, all the time?

I don't know exactly for how long I remained silent, but eventually River decided to intervene again, saying:

River: Rowan, even being unsure can be normal, you know? And I also think that could be a totally valid answer to give to her, just say that you need some more time to think about it.

Rick: (nods vigorously)

We didn't say much else, by then I was too tired and River didn't seem to have much more advice to give me anyway. So he got up and said me goodbye with a hug, telling me:

River: I'm sure everything will turn out fine, don't worry.

Rowan: …

River: And, if you feel the need, you can come back here as many times as you need, really.

I quickly slipped away from that hug. Talking to River didn't help me much to find a solution, but at least I felt a bit reassured in comparison with that morning.

In the end, his advice was summed up with "Take your time to figure this out", as if it were easy... 

In any case, I trust my cousin, and after talking with him I'm a bit less scared of facing Juno now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Juno: (on edge) Rowan, here you are! I was looking for you, because, I mean... Well, I guess she should talk, right?

Rowan: … Um.

Juno: (embarrassed) About last night... Please forget about, I really messed up this time. I mean, for me the last months have been a real mess, with Francis and everything, and when you told me to "go straight to the point", for a second I thought that... But of course that's not what you meant, I didn't want to make you feel bad, I'm so sorry!

She told me while looking at the ground, in insight I think she was probably feeling mortified by the situation. I'm sorry she felt like that, and I felt even worse thinking that it was also my fault if she had been that way all day long.

Rowan: (looking away) In any case I shouldn't have left like that for so long, I mean...

Rowan: (embarrassed) Juno, I... I really didn't expect it, and I... Well, it's hard to explain, but...

Juno: Don't worry, you don't need to justify yourself.

Rowan: ...

Juno: And then, honestly, I think I should take some time, and clear my head a bit... I mean, I've argued a lot with Francis recently, but what I did yesterday remains a big, idiotic mistake.

I don't think to fully understand what she's thinking, but she seems to want to take her time and reflect too. Seeing her so conflicted about the situation was almost painful to watch, but I'm quite relieved to see that she's not mad at me, nor anything like that.

Juno: So, would you agree to pretend that nothing happened, and be friends again?

Rowan: (relieved) Yes, sure.

Juno: (jokingly) Also, I solemnly swear to never try to kiss you ever again, so don't worry about it, okay?

Rowan: Um.

Juno: It's almost dinner time, do you want to return back to the dorm?

Rowan: Why not. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So we returned to the same life as before. With the homework, presentations and essays to work on, not to mention the thesis to write, it didn't take us long to get back to the usual routine.

Rowan: What do you think about this poster? I barely wrote anything on it, but I'm already running out of space...

Juno: Uhm, let me see... Honestly, I would avoid these captions in very small letters, you can tell that same part when presenting the poster. And, at their place, you could probably put another picture or two, for instance.

Rowan: You say?

Juno: One of our professors advised me to do so, because no one ever gets close enough to the posters to read the small text anyway. According to him, the figures are better for catching some attention, instead.

Rowan: I see… Thanks for the tip.

Juno: You're welcome.

River wrote to me a couple of times to ask me how I was doing, and what happened with Juno. I didn't know exactly how to answer, there were several loose ends that we would have to deal with sooner or later. 

I don't think I can really ever forget that episode. However, by pretending it was the case, we are back to the familiar and calm routine we had before, and for the moment I couldn't ask for anything better. There will be time to figure out the rest, I guess.

Next chapter -->

--------------------------------------------------------

§HermioneSims§ corner

Following Rowan's way of reasoning could have been quite challenging in this chapter and in the last one, right? In particular when dealing with his struggles to distinguish between friendship and romance. 

So, I thought to close the chapter with a small comment to explain that detail a bit more. With this generation, I decided to interpret the "Unflirty" trait Rowan gained as a teen as him being "somewhere in the asexual spectrum" (more details on this will arrive, at some point). In practice, this means he doesn't really feel attracted to others the way others mean it and so forth.

On top of that, Rowan is also quite bad at understanding what other people feel and think, and probably doesn't even realise that his way of experiencing this side of life is totally different from most other people. So, probably, if someone tried to explain to him that "when people say they feel attracted to someone else, they really mean it", he would probably answer by saying: "Other people feel what!?"

(Yes, it is a thing. I've been there)