Chapter 9.4: Deception

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From Gaia's diary

Gaia: (angry) You're a sixamian wearing a human disguise! It's precisely because of people like you that people outside New Sixam still don't fully trust us, you're deceiving everyone!

Matt: Hey, let me at least explain!

Gaia: Explain what? There is no good reason to use a disguise anymore, none! And at least have the decency to use your real face when talking to me!

Matt: … Okay, okay.

Matt had the expression of an animal caught in a trap, and he also seemed a little confused by my anger. In New Sixam no one had used a disguise for generations, we had learned that those deceptions never led to anything good a long time ago. Outside the Country, and in particular in the Sim Nation, the use of a disguise was still considered illegal for reasons of public safety, and the latest reported cases (now dating back decades) have led to significant international tensions and official apologies from the New Sixam embassies. By now everyone knows that there isn't any good reason to use a disguise, what the hell was going through his head?

Also, did he really hide me his true identity for so long? And had I been so stupid as not to notice anything?

Matt: … Okay, I'll tell you everything. But let's sit down, it's quite a long story.

Matt: First of all, I have to admit I'm not very proud of what I've done.

Gaia: Can't you just explain what happened?

Matt: Well... It's just that I've never liked my life in New Sixam, I always felt like I wasn't allowed to do anything... And at a certain point I couldn't stand it anymore, I changed my face and started wandering around Sim City. Then you know how it is, one thing leads to another...

Gaia: At least, is Matt your real name?

Matt: It's a diminutive for Matthew, you know, but I'm not using a fake name, if that's what you were wondering. I just changed the pictures on my ID.

Gaia: Why change face though? Sixamians aren't treated that badly anymore in here!

Matt: It was more of a, how to say... Fracture from who I was before, so to speak.

I listened to him carefully, in some ways his expressions said more than his words. He seemed to be very ashamed of what he was saying, and also to suffer a lot from it. Whatever had happened, it was hard not to feel a bit sorry for him.

However, his reluctance to tell me the details made me suspicious, I certainly wouldn't have been satisfied with such a vague explanation.

Gaia: I see, I guess... Then, what kind of life did you have over there, why did you decide to run away from it?

He hesitated for a time that seemed infinite to me, that admission seemed to cost him enormous effort. After I don't know how long, he finally managed to admit:

Matt: As I said, I'm not really proud about this part...

Gaia: So...

Matt: I have a son in New Sixam. He's almost six years old now.

Gaia: You what!?

I was too shocked to say anything else. He, on the other hand, seemed to have passed what seemed like the most problematic point to him, and couldn't stop talking anymore.

Matt: … I started using a disguise when Lucas was a few months old, both my ex and I had so much to do, all day long, it was just too much for me. So I started to sneak away for a few hours in the evening and visit other places, it seemed like the only way to not freak out.

Gaia: …

Matt: But when Michelle caught me she decided to dump me and kick me out of the house. I had nothing left there, but during that period I felt like the only happy moments were those I spent abroad, wearing that disguise and without worrying about all those responsibilities. And so I moved to Sim City, looked for new IDs, went back to university and everything else.

I didn't know what to say, was he sincere? I think so, if he had bad intentions he probably would have erased my memory (sixamians who can disguise can do that too, can't they?). 

I could have asked him a myriad of things, but at that moment the one that mattered most to me was:

Gaia: So you abandoned your son?

Matt: No, absolutely not! I spend every Saturday afternoon with him and Michelle, and birthdays, and things like that, in short.

And this also explains his constant unavailability on Saturday afternoons...

Matt: ... but I don't think I was very present in his life, that's true.

Gaia: I see.

Gaia: Well, I don't know what plans you have now, but you should really stop using that disguise. If someone reported you, it would be a huge mess!

Matt: I know, I know...

He really looked sad at that moment, despite everything I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. So I told him again:

Gaia: If you need some help, you can stay here for as long as you need.

He seemed surprised, I guess he expected me to kick him out too. But he also seemed very grateful.

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Like it or not, that situation filled my head with doubts. Had I really done the right thing by telling him to stay?

I didn't know what to think anymore, but I know that talking to someone can often be a good way to clear your mind. I needed someone able to listen to me, wise enough to have good suggestions, and willing to help me no matter what. I thought about it for a while, but in the end my choice could only fall on…

Rowan: Hello Gaia, welcome!

Juno: Hi darling! Hey, who is this beautiful dog?

Gaia: His name is Pixel, isn't he a beautiful puppy? He's grown a lot recently!

Juno: Is he yours?

Gaia: Um, sort of...

Pixel: Wooooof!

Rowan: Did you want to talk to us about something?

Juno: Yes, you seem a little worried.

Gaia: Well… Yes, that's actually the case.

So we sat down together, and I told them what was bothering me.

Gaia: Well, I think at least mum had understood something, but recently I've been dating someone, and...

I didn't tell them that "someone" was Matt, nor about the story of the disguise, but about everything else. So my parents heard all my messy story on how he ran away from the family that made him feel caged and had built a peaceful, but fictitious, life elsewhere.

Rowan: For all the moons of Sixam...

Juno: Being a parent isn't for everyone, but running away like that... I don't know, he really seems like a person who isn't very responsible and reliable. Poor child, I wish he's at least growing up in a peaceful environment...

Rowan: (nods)

Gaia: Anyway, I really don't know what to do. How can I help him?

Juno: Gaia, darling... It's not necessarily up to you to help him, it's not your fault if by making wrong choices he ended up in such a complicated situation.

Gaia: I understand... But don't you really have any other idea?

Mom sighed, she looked worried about me,  before adding:

Juno: ... living like that, day by day, is not sustainable in the long run. I understand that parenting isn't for everyone, but his choice wasn't a responsible one. He should find the courage to choose what else he wants to do in life, and then work towards it.

Gaia: (thoughtful) Uhm…

I stayed with my parents all afternoon. Dad seemed particularly upset by that story, but it was mom who took me aside to try to find out more details:

Juno: Gaia, I don't know exactly what kind of relationship you have with this person... However, from the way you talk about him, you seem to care a lot about him.

Gaia: Yes, I think so.

Juno: (sighing) Gaia, you've always told us that you have many plans for your future, and that you would really like to find a special person to share it with. But, frankly, I don't think the person you're talking about could be the right one.

Gaia: Why not?

Juno: People rarely change in their deep, and this elusive guy doesn't seem like the type of person who would ever want to share the responsibilities of a life together. In the long run, you risk finding yourself next to an overgrown child looking for a caregiver, that's what.

In other circumstances I would have argued back, but at that moment I just couldn't find anything to say. Maybe because, deep down, my instincts told me those same things.

I mean, my dear diary, look at Pixel: Matt asked me to keep him "once in a while", but it's been with me for months now. If Matt isn't even capable of looking after a good dog like him, how can I think that a relationship with him will go anywhere?

Gaia: Are you too hot, Pixel? With all that long black fur...

Pixel: Woof! 

Yet, it's so difficult to make a choice... What should I do, my dear diary?

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