Chapter 8.19: Ruminations

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From Rowan's diary


I wasn't able to get any clearer explanation from Juno, I'm quite lost right now.

This situation seems so absurd to me, she told me I could trust her, I had never considered the idea that she could... No, I really don't know what I should think, or even what I should do, right now. I've never been good at interpreting emotions, and the ones I feel right now are particularly difficult to understand.

For sure I feel cheated, and also disappointed. Does that mean that Juno likes that idiot? Looking back, actually, I had already seen how she could be quite impulsive in that kind of situation. I mean, even the very first time she made a move on me she was technically still dating with her first boyfriend, and just a few months later, they... I shook my head firmly to push that thought away, that's definitively not what I should be thinking about. I guess.

Mostly because there is a significant part of me that is very worried for her right now. I couldn't figure out exactly what happened, and I'm not even sure I want to know the details. But she seemed to feel guilty and ashamed, and she also cried so much tonight… I just don't know how I didn't notice anything, nor why no one ever talked about it before.

I really don't know what to do, also because Juno didn't leave the bedroom to say anything else yet. Probably I would be better off sleeping on the sofa for now, hoping that tomorrow the situation will improve at least a bit...


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The next morning


The only thing I managed to decide this night is that now I need to remember my priorities. I don't know what will happen once Juno decides to show up, but I have no intention of making Gaia notice that there is anything off, whatever happens she deserves to be happy and serene as always.

Rowan: (trying to sound cheerful) Are you looking forward to going to daycare?
Gaia: Yes! There's Lila, and Hana, and Simo, and...


Gaia: And Na-ho!
Rowan: I'm sorry, but Nacho really can't come with you, it's the rules.
Gaia: (sullen) Ugh!


Juno: (with a fake smile) Hi Gaia! Are you ready to see your friends?
Gaia: Yes!

At least on this point Juno seems on my same page, with Gaia she is behaving exactly as I am. But I noticed it anyway, the way she was trying to avoid my gaze at all costs. We clearly should talk about it, but we don't know where to start, nor do we have the time for it. The only moment of the day we may have some time to talk is the late evening, after work and when the little one is already asleep. It's going to be a long day...

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Same day, late afternoon


Juno: Do you want to play?
Gaia: Yes!



Without even noticing, I ended up isolating myself in the studio. I had work to do, I told myself, but probably that wasn't the only reason. Rationally I knew we should be talking, but it's so much easier to just stay here, by myself, in silence...


I didn't know how late it was exactly, just that it was night already. All I knew was that, out of the blue, I was interrupted by the noise of something hitting on my window. 
Well, that wasn't really a smart move. Whoever the culprit was, I definitively wasn't in the mood for any stupid joke.


And my hatred towards the anonymous disturber could only worsen, the moment I realized who dared to throw that stone.


Logan: (cautiously) Good evening, Rowan.
Rowan: Of all people, you should really be the last one to show up here, you know?
Logan: But…
Rowan: This is trespassing, and if you had thrown that stone just a little harder you could also be incriminated for damage to private property! Not to mention...
Logan: (raising hands) Hey, hey, I come in peace!

I struggled to keep calm, if there was one person I blamed for what had happened without any possibility of appeal, it was him. But, with great effort, I still decided to calm down enough to say to him:

Rowan: (threatening) What do you want?


Logan: Actually, it's not like I'm not happy to be here either, but seeing Juno's face this morning at work I think the two of you are clearly overreacting. What happened yesterday wasn't that big deal, really, I actually don't even know why she told you about it.
Rowan: (Grumpy) ...
Logan: Okay, you're mad at me, but at least did Juno explain to you what exactly happened?
Rowan: No, she didn't.

And I wasn't sure I wanted to know, either.


Logan: Well, she should have, at least this whole thing wouldn't have gotten so big over nothing. Long story short, at the last fundraiser, we had both drunk a little too much, one thing led to another, you know how it is, we may have flirted a bit... But before anything happened she pushed me away, and then immediately burst into crying, saying it wasn't right, that he couldn't, that he felt so guilty...



Rowan: ...
Logan: And then this morning, at work, she immediately took me aside to tell me to stop making all those advances, as if it needed to be clarified... It was a mistake for me too, you know?
Rowan: ...
Logan: Anyway, Mister Sulky, everyone at the office noticed how miserable Juno looks since you moved to this new house, and you started to play hide and seek in that studio of yours. What do you think she is, your co-worker in your family-run company called "house"? People also need some love, dude, of course then she...
Rowan: (interrupting him) That's enough, I got the hint.

I took a deep breath to try to calm down at least a little. His version of events was at least congruent with what I had seen, I too had noticed how Juno had already cried before returning home, and had repeated that she felt guilty so many times... 
Maybe knowing those details really helped me after all. At least a bit.

Rowan: I don't think you have still reason to stay here any longer.
Logan: Got it, I can't wait to leave either. Adieu! 


It was definitively time to talk with Juno, and seriously this time.


That time she was the one who decided to sleep on the sofa. Or had she seen me leave and was waiting for me? I couldn't say exactly. But I know how uncomfortable that couch is, whatever her reason is I don't want her to wake up with back pain.


Rowan: I don't recommend you sleep there, really.


So I told her what Logan had just said to me, and she added more details along the way. We were digging so far back in time, did that big mess really have such deep roots?

Juno: I know that we had decided to work hard to be able to buy this house more quickly, but in practice we've only been talking to decide who would pick up Gaia, or who would prepare dinner, or who had to go to the bank for the paperwork for the house loan. I missed that time when we had fun together in that mini apartment, everything was so different...
Rowan: ...
Juno: I was a bit sad, some days, and I ended up talking about it with Logan, he's actually a quite good listener. And thinking about it now I think I kind of missed receiving those compliments from time to time, and all that attention, and...
Rowan: (nods) I see.

I felt like a complete imbecile in that instant. I know all those things are more important to her than they are to me, yet in the last few years I was so busy with work and with Gaia that the topic never really crossed my mind. I took her for granted, and that was clearly a mistake.


Rowan: Why didn't you tell me right away?
Juno: If you were always that busy it was just to make our project possible, you did it all for me and for Gaia, it didn't seem right to blame you, but... But maybe I'm just an idiot, that's it.
Rowan: Of course you're not, and you know it.
Juno: So you aren't mad at me?
Rowan: (nods)


It was a wild ride, for sure now on a lot of things will have to change. I don't even know where to start from, my dear diary, our life is just so busy right now... But we clearly dragged this on for way too long, she reached her limit and I'm not that far away from it either. We definitively can't keep ignoring this, we'll need to dig deeper into the matter, that's for sure. 

Chapter 8.18: Coping

 <-- Previous chapter

From Rowan's diary


Client: (amid a nostalgic tale) Ah, if there is a regret I really have, it would be not having spent enough time with my spouse, at the end we were barely talking anymore... Who knows, maybe we wouldn't have divorced, if things went differently.
Rowan: (not really listening) Uh uh...

I don't get it, the lady came to discuss an inheritance case. Why do I need to waste my time listening to all this stuff, when I'm already late to go pick up Gaia from daycare?


Rowan: (trying to be diplomatic) I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I have some quite urgent appointments I really cannot postpone. In any case, the papers are now on order, so...
Client: Sure, I understand. I wish you a blissful evening!
Rowan: Uh uh...


Rowan: (exhausted) What a drag.


The move to the new house somehow made things slightly easier, but I can't really say that I and Juno are in our best shape yet. Sure, life in the new house is massively more comfortable than in that too-tiny apartment, but our schedule remains just as messy. To repay the loan and program the renovations the house needs we still need to save as much money as we can, but working systematically overtime while taking care of a toddler still means that our free time remains a mirage, just like a decent night of sleep. Both I and Juno are exhausted, that's what.



Rowan: How is the tax declaration this year? All things considered, I guess there are way more forms than usual to fill in.
Juno: Don't worry, at work I'm always making way harder budgets than this one. I should manage to finish before going to sleep.
Rowan: Great. I'm reading to Gaia her bedtime story then, and after that I have some urgent paperwork to finish before tomorrow.
Juno: I see.


Rowan: Ready to go to sleep?
Gaia: No sleepy, I play!


Juno: There isn't any need to make that face, Nacho.
Nacho: Mewh?


A few hours later


Completing that paperwork took even more time than I had anticipated, the police really sent us a pile of messy and barely readable stuff this time. I knew it was late, but I didn't want to believe the clock when I finally raised my eyes from the screen while switching the laptop off. 


I'm very, very tired at this point, so tired that even just sleeping a few hours at this desk doesn't sound as unappealing as it should. At this time Juno is surely sleeping already, anyway, and I don't want to wake her up. And also in the case she isn't, I don't think I would be able to hold a conversation. All I want is to switch my head off for a few hours and recharge a bit my batteries, that's what...


Juno(to herself) I guess he's not coming tonight either...

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An unspecified number of weeks later



Gaia: Let's play!
Rowan: (surprised) Oh, hi Gaia. Sorry, but I really don't have time to play with you right now, I have some very urgent emails to send.
Gaia: Ugh!
Rowan: I'll join you as soon as I can. Why don't you start to explain to me what game you want to play, in the meantime?


Gaia: Then Rino flies away, and then the house...

Juno: Gaia, I told you to wait while I prepared you breakfast!
Gaia: I play with dad!

Juno yawned for a good five seconds, before fully realising I was already working. At that point she said to me, very straightforwardly:

Juno: Did you sleep at all tonight, Rowan?
Rowan: I was very late, today we have a big meeting about that big case. But I slept a few hours on the sofa, I didn't want to wake you up in the middle of the night.
Juno: But… (Shrugs) Well, whatever. Anyway, do you think you will manage to bring Gaia to daycare? It's quite late already.
Rowan: I know, I know, I'm finishing this and then we're ready to go, don't worry.
Juno: Uh...


Gaia: Cat!
Rowan: His name is Nacho.
Gaia: Na-ho?
Rowan: Close enough.


Gaia: Hi Na-ho!


Rowan: C'mon, it's time to go!
Gaia: Yes, bike!


That afternoon, just before picking up Gaia to bring her back home, I had to participate in another of Juno's company fundraisings. They seem to be in an expansion phase, and they are organising these events more and more often. I already had to refuse her invitations to events like this too many times, I couldn't say no again. So I took a few hours off work and joined her.



Juno: Hi, I'm glad you managed to make it this time! 
???: I think we were never introduced, right? I'm Logan, I organised this fundraising with Juno. You're Rowan instead, right? Nice to meet you!
Rowan: (perplexed) Nice to meet you too(?)


Logan: Today Juno is just fabulous, I'm sure she won't pass unnoticed!

As if to underline what he had said, he then patted her shoulder with far more emphasis than was necessary.

Juno: (flattered) C'mon, don't exaggerate!
Logan: But I'm not exaggerating, it's the truth!

It doesn't happen often that I dislike someone at first sight, but that guy really takes the cake for that. Who the heck was that guy?


Rowan: Not to be rude, but is this how you usually work in here?

Juno seemed to have immediately guessed what I was thinking, and she was probably afraid that I might say something wrong, because she immediately grabbed me by my arm and dragged me away to talk, in private.


Juno: There's no need to be jealous, Logan is just a very friendly person.
Rowan: You mean he behaves that way with everyone?
Juno: I would say so, yes.
Rowan: …
Juno: Don't worry anyway, I know what I'm doing. Just trust me, okay?

This said, she returned among the guests to present their project, and convince them to make donations. I don't know, Juno understands social situations much better than I do, after all. Still, I really can't change my first impression of that guy, I really don't like him at all.

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The weekend is the only part of the week where we have a chance to have some free hours, that we usually dedicate to Gaia. We often go to the city park, at least when the weather allows it, as she just loves to run around and climb around the playground.


Between her and Juno, I don't know who has more fun, they certainly love playing together like this.


Gaia: Mom, play!
Juno: Ah ah, do you want to fly?
Gaia: Yes, yes!



Juno: Uh, where are you hiding now?
Gaia: Ah ah!


Later we briefly went to New Sixam, so that Gaia could spend some time with her cousins. Since we live so far away from the rest of our relatives, we think it's important to make an effort to allow them to bond too.



Caleb: But she's so small!
Rick: Well, she's normal, at her age.
Caleb: Oh.
Gaia: (cheerfully) Hi!
River: We don't all need to be here in the street. Let's go inside, I'll prepare something for you to snack on.
Gaia: Snack, yes!

Gaia actually fell asleep on an armchair almost immediately, but it was a nice afternoon all the same.


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Another unspecified number of weeks later

This is a very tough week, I and Juno have a ton of stuff to do at work and we really struggled to make a schedule that could also fit with Gaia's daycare. Getting up in the morning and finding the motivation to work all those hours is becoming a real challenge, honestly I would gladly hide in the studio for a few days (at least). But obviously I can't afford to do that, and every morning I just put on a face that I hope could seem convincing and hold on for another day.


Rowan: I'm taking the grocery list, I and Gaia can pass from the store before returning back home this evening. Did you notice anything else we need to buy?
Juno: I don't think so, that should be enough.
Rowan: Okay. Then, if your fundraising tonight ends earlier than expected and you want to join us for dinner, just call.
Juno: Sure.


Rowan: Well, let's get going then.
Juno: (distracted) Uh...
Rowan: Ehy, are you all right?
Juno: Uhm? Sure, that's nothing...


Rowan: Well, see you tonight then!
Gaia: Bye, dad!
Juno: Ready to go, Gaia?


Juno: You'll see, this is going to be another great day...



Probably I should have noticed earlier that something was off, or at least in retrospect it is easy to think so. Instead I didn't, and I limited myself to drag myself through the schedule of yet another day.


Gaia: Where's mum?
Rowan: She'll be here for your goodnight story, don't worry. 
Gaia: Uhm.
Rowan: Rather, did you have fun with your friends today?
Gaia. Yes! There was Emy, and Tim. We coloured the wall!


Rowan: I see... Anyway, what about finding Nacho now? I'm sure he would be glad to play with you.
Gaia: Yeah, Na-ho, Na-ho!


I finally realised something was very wrong when I saw Juno who, unexpectedly, showed up several hours earlier than expected, rushing to our bedroom without even talking to us. I had no idea about what had happened, but I had a strong suspicion that she cried before arriving.

So that Gaia was napping, for once, I didn't think twice, and just followed her. 


Rowan: (worried) Hey, did something happen?
Juno: Mh...

She seemed upset, but also extremely reluctant to answer me, I've never seen her like that. And this could only make me worry even more.


Juno: I... I'm so ashamed of myself, I'm such an idiot!
Rowan: What happened, Juno?
Juno: I.. Do you remember Logan, that colleague of mine?
Rowan: (nods warily)
Juno: Well... Everyone drank way more than usual at this fundraising, and... I mean, I...
Rowan: You're making me worry, it's something bad?
Juno: I...

She then tried to tell me what had happened, but her voice was shaking so much I could barely follow what she was saying.



At that point she burst into tears again, hiding her face in her hands, and she could only mutter that she wanted some time alone. 


I just had so many questions, what she was telling me just didn't make sense. Was I really that blind not to notice anything? I really don't know what to do, or what to think, my dear diary, how could this be happening to us?